In California, three men are registered as fathers of one child for the first time

A family of California polyamorous men received the first-of-its-kind daughter's birth certificate, in which all three are recorded as fathers. The story of this family is told HuffPost.

Photo: Shutterstock

Ian Jenkins wasn't entirely sure he wanted to be a parent. As a teaching doctor, he was more interested in shaping the views of other doctors.

“I teach graduate practitioners—I was afraid that teaching and caring for a child wouldn’t interest me, and I didn’t want to have a baby,” Jenkins told HuffPost over the phone earlier this month.

Then Jeremy appeared in Jenkins' life, caring for others both in personality and profession. Jeremy joined Jenkins and his partner Alan, who have been living together for 17 years. For eight years now, the family has been living in three.

“Jeremy is a zookeeper who breeds extremely fragile birds that weigh about the same size as M&Ms,” Jenkins said. “His presence made Alan and I think more about being parents.”

Coincidentally, along with Jeremy's arrival came an offer that made the prospect of becoming a father seem even more accessible to the three men: embryo donation.

“One of his friends offered us embryos that they had left behind after IVF but couldn’t use,” he said. “We had the opportunity to ‘adopt’ the embryos and decide to raise a unique family.”

This unique family includes three men, embryo donors, a surrogate mother they found to carry the embryo, and they needed a lot more lawyers and money than they thought at the beginning of their path to fatherhood.

On the subject: 28-year-old American gave birth to a child, conceived 27 years ago

When their first child, daughter Piper, was born three and a half years ago, these men made history by becoming the first family in California to have three father names on their child's birth certificates. They now have another child, Parker, who is one and a half years old.

After the decision to try to build a family was made and reached, the three men had to take into account many nuances of parenting, like any other father. However, unlike other families, the fact that there are three fathers meant that they might have some unique problems to solve.

“We really paid attention to the fact that our kids might be perceived differently,” Jenkins said. “We didn’t want them to become a target for ridicule, bullying or abuse online.”

Fortunately, so far, at least, there have been no problems.

“In our professional and personal lives, no one objected,” Jenkins said. “Our eldest is now in preschool, and other parents and children tell her: “Cool! Tell us the story!”

Living in California, which Jenkins describes as a welcoming community, also helps. While researching surrogacy early on, Jenkins was disappointed—but not surprised—to learn of the many restrictive laws that prevent many people, not just same-sex couples or groups, from building a family through surrogacy.

“Some states are just cruel,” he said. “They make every effort to prevent children from being raised in non-traditional families, and they are really useless.” What judge or law thinks it is appropriate to use taxpayer money and time to develop a pointless, rigid system that only makes a child’s life more difficult?”

Even in California, the family did not always do well. Jenkins noted that a typical surrogacy hearing to determine who is listed on a birth certificate takes place before the baby is born. Since this is usually very simple, it takes about five minutes. Because Jenkins and his partners wanted three names on their child's birth certificate, which was not previously on the state, the judge said she could not create a precedent.

“She said it would be necessary to pass a law or file an appeal,” he recalled. “I thought, 'I just want a baby—I don't want a lawsuit.' It was like an ice cold shower."

There have been stories of adding the third parent's name to the certificate after the baby is born, and Jenkins began to think that this was something he and his partners would be forced to do before Alan intervened.

“Alan basically interrupted the proceedings and demanded that they swear us all in,” Jenkins said. “We all talked with tears in our eyes about why we needed to become parents.” You should have seen the emotion on the judge's face! She looked at all her options and found a way to use existing laws to give us a first-of-its-kind birth certificate.”

It was an emotional moment for everyone, including their family members who also attended the hearing.

According to Jenkins, family upbringing with three fathers is as unremarkable as family upbringing with a father and mother.

“We're just three regular people who spend a lot of time talking about what to have for lunch,” Jenkins said. “After the first minutes of meeting us, people understand this.”

But the family has three incomes and three people who share responsibilities: insomnia, joys, and big questions.

“Ongoing conversation is exponentially more important in a poly relationship, and parenting requires us to constantly interact,” he said. “We all need to be on the same page and adhere to the same parenting style.” What's the best approach? How long is the time out? Do you need help?

“Piper has a favorite parent, and that’s Jeremy,” Jenkins said. “Many times I have found it more difficult to connect with her because she wants to talk to Daddy (Jeremy is Daddy, Alan is Dada, and Ian is Papa). We developed a strategy to distribute the workload evenly so that Jeremy would not feel exhausted and I could share in the joy of her presence. There are times when Alan and Jeremy are away and it's just me and Piper for the night, and it's wonderful. Jeremy's on a break so I can get closer to her. We have several things that we do together. We all have different roles. One of the best things to do now is teach her to read.”

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After all, they just want what every parent wants: their children to feel loved and safe and grow up to be good people.

“You can never predict what will happen, but we raise our children very carefully and collaboratively,” Jenkins said. “We always talk about how to raise emotionally healthy, generous but strong children, free from some of the toxic elements of our culture.”

Jenkins recognizes his family's privilege of having money, resources, and community. As he tells his story, he hopes that those who live in a less acceptable situation will feel heard and will find confirmation that they, too, have a right to a family like everyone else.

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