A holiday during the war: how to give yourself joy and why it is important

Life under bombs, in the cold and with blackouts or forced flight; separation from loved ones or even their death; fatigue and uncertainty about the future... The war in Ukraine has led to the fact that hundreds of thousands of people, it seems, are simply physically unable to feel the festive mood on this New Year. And yet, the famous American psychologist Olga Podolskaya assures that joy is vital to the human psyche, and none of us is able to exist without it. "Pleasure gives us strength, and therefore we need to catch the smallest grains of joy and try to create it with our own hands.", - she is sure.

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Without heat and light

For those who are now in Ukraine, experiencing frequent power outages and interruptions in heat and communication, the psychologist advises creating at least small pleasures for themselves.

«It can be a candle, some kind of paper toy, if possible - a more festive meal, or at least just making time for yourself from work and volunteering. And when, due to the lack of electricity and work, you already have a lot of free time, you should spend it in a special way: connect to yourself, live all your feelings, including negative ones. Of course, something will have to mourn, will have to say goodbye to the past, which, unfortunately, is gone forever. After you have mourned the past, you need to accept the present and find something good in this present. It is important to treat yourself, even if it is just a delicious tea warmed up on a candle, or buying champagne.", - suggests Olga Podolskaya.

The psychologist notes that the fear of being alone with your thoughts is a clear signal of a psychological problem.

«In Ukraine, there are now many programs that provide psychological assistance, and you can even get it for free. There are many different Internet projects, a large number of volunteer psychologists work. The main thing is that a person wants to find such help. But as far as the holiday is concerned, I do not at all suggest celebrating it alone. On the contrary, it would be quite appropriate to get together with a group of neighbors or friends. If you unwittingly have to spend time alone and in the dark, you can use it for meditation.", Olga advises.

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In a foreign country

If we talk about Ukrainian migrants who are forced to temporarily leave for other countries, the psychologist notes that in some ways their situation is better than that of those who remained in their homeland. They are not in physical danger, but another problem appears - a completely unfamiliar space in which to build a new life. Here, too, it is important to say goodbye to the past and try to arrange your present - including a holiday.

«The migrants have somewhat more opportunities for the holiday, since they can receive assistance from the host state and are safe. But here people often turn on a ban on joy: “how can I be happy when our guys are sitting in the trenches?” It's important to remember that if you don't rejoice, the guys in the trenches won't get better. On the contrary, they are there precisely so that you can rejoice - this is the meaning of their sacrifices. Therefore, with a clear conscience, you can arrange a holiday for yourself and connect children to it.", - says Olga Podolskaya.

The psychologist notes that, missing home and dreaming of returning, children very often only “mirror” the emotions of adults, and therefore it is important for adult migrants to work with themselves in order to first of all accept the current situation themselves. This acceptance is complicated by the fact that most of the people fleeing the war were forced to leave, and therefore part of their soul remained in their homeland. However, Olga Podolskaya emphasizes that there will be no return to the past even if they return home, since Ukraine has also changed under the influence of the war. According to the psychologist, it is very important that the migrants be able to accept and survive this.

"TOOf course, the child needs to be given maximum pleasure and a sense of celebration. Even a walk along the streets of Europe or America decorated for Christmas can become such a holiday. These are unfamiliar decorations, unknown traditions that you can join and try to comprehend.", Olga advises.

For those fleeing from Russia

The psychologist notes that in the case of Russian refugees, an additional stress factor is the lack of support from the host country and the feeling of guilt, which is actively fueled “from outside”.

«Talk about collective repentance is true in that part that the entire Russian society will have to go through repentance and rethinking, which the Germans once went through. But those people who left because they participated in the resistance must understand that it is not their personal fault in what is happening. On the contrary: they, unlike the rest, did everything they could to prevent this", - notes Olga Podolskaya.

Like Ukrainian settlers, Russians abroad faced a loss of social status and, most often, being citizens of an aggressor country, could not find help.

«Such people need not to take on someone else's fault and not dwell on it, but to look for strength in themselves in order to organize their lives, including holidays. It is desirable to adapt in a new country. For example, if you are in Israel, you can put a menorah for Hanukkah. But at the same time, you do not have to give up your personal traditions. If you have always had a tradition to celebrate the New Year - keep it too", - the psychologist advises.

Place for dad

For Ukrainian migrants, joy is often overshadowed by the loss of loved ones or separation from them. Women and children miss husbands and fathers who stayed in their native country or even went to the front. Unfortunately, not everyone returns from the front alive.

«It is very important for the child to establish a connection with those who remained in Ukraine. Maybe dad will be able to call from the front or somehow talk to the child in advance and congratulate him. If the pope died, then you can make a commemoration, especially when the loss is still fresh in memory. It is quite possible to put a photograph of your father on the festive table and say something like that dad is sitting on a cloud and looking at us", Explains Olga Podolskaya.

She notes that it is important to explain to the child that dad did not die until the end, while there are people who remember him. It is quite acceptable to put an additional device “for dad” on the festive table to honor his memory. However, first, mom should work with herself in order to gain strength for this.

«For a mother, this can be very difficult and even unbearable, because she herself is grieving at this moment, and she needs to support the child. Only the very mourning can help here. You can go to the bathroom, turn on the shower so that the children do not hear what is happening there, and literally cry, and when it becomes easier, go out to the children and, remembering dad, rejoice with them", - the psychologist advises.

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Another form of commemoration can be writing notes “for dad” with children. All this helps the child create a place in the soul for the father, where the memory of him will live and the feeling of his presence in the life of the child will be preserved. Olga emphasizes: it is important for a child to remember that he had a father and he loved him.

According to Olga Podolskaya, when preparing a holiday for yourself or your children, it is not at all necessary to install a large and elegant Christmas tree.

«Holidays are denoted by symbols, and in this case, such a symbol can be a garland hung on the wall, a sprig of spruce or a wreath of spruce branches on the door. You should not listen to superstitions such as "as you meet the year, so you will spend it." There is nothing sacred in changing the date from December 31 to January 1, and I urge you to celebrate the New Year only because a person needs joys and holidays. But it is important to organize this holiday to the best of your ability.', sums up the psychologist.

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