What people regret before they die: an experienced nurse shared touching stories

Hadley Vlahos, 30, worked as a home caregiver for eight years and spoke of her dying patients' biggest regrets. Daily Record.

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One of her patients told Hadley that he wished he could "tell people how much he loves them" and "spend less time at work and more time with family." Patient Hadley of New Orleans, Louisiana also advised "do things for yourself, not for others."

“Patients say they want to tell their loved ones how much they love them. I applied this to my life. I can write to a friend I haven't seen in years and tell him that he still means a lot to me. I send these messages several times throughout the week,” Hadley says.

“Some people don't respond to me and I don't get offended by that, but I know that if something happens, I know that they know how much they mean to me. Every person has something to teach you... They have lived a lifetime and their advice is meaningful,” she said.

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“I have small children and I try to remember how quickly time passes,” she added.

Live in the present

Hadley recalls how one of her patients first advised her not to prioritize material possessions and instead focus on the present.

“I remember this huge mansion, and the dying patient was lying on her bed, realizing that you can’t take anything with you when you leave,” she said.

“I went to another house where the walls were collapsing and there had been no repairs for a long time. There was a woman dying there too, but in the end all that mattered were the people around her who cared for her. They both died regardless of their financial status,” Hadley said.

“At the same time, I had a lot of patients in their 50s and 60s who had worked their entire lives and hadn’t even retired,” Hadley says.

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“There was one patient who wanted to become a doctor but never did because it would take a long time,” she says. “He looked back and thought that eight years was too long, but then he realized that eight years would pass anyway. Over the years I have taken these stories and applied them to my life. That’s why I love social media, because these patients’ posts reach so many people.”

Don't think about what others will say

Hadley spoke of a woman who spent her whole life trying to impress others. She advised Hadley to "do things for yourself, not for others".

“This woman was always worried about what her friends thought, and at the end of her life she realized that she was not doing what she wanted to do,” Hadley recalled.

“I asked her what she wanted to do and she said she no longer wanted to keep up with the times and impress others. She said she buys cars and houses to impress others and improve her image, but what she really wanted to do was just go on a trip,” Hadley said.

“My family and I try every year to travel now rather than wait for the right time,” she said.

Time with family

One of the common things Hadley says her male patients say is that they would like to spend less time at work and more time with their family.

“Many people felt like they didn’t know their children at all. I think this made them think that some basic necessities weren't really necessities. Maybe they could work 40 hours a week instead of 60,” Hadley said.

After working for eight years, Hadley believes that people often do not listen enough to the experience of those who came before them.

“I think they feel like they’ve forgotten a lot,” she said. “I think they have very valuable stories and lessons.” It doesn't matter how different their lives and experiences were. Sometimes we tend to ignore it. Over the years, I've learned to ask questions to get people to talk to you, and sometimes it helps my family talk more. I think it's great."

Die on your own terms

“I don’t find my job depressing - yes, they die, but they die on their own terms. It's not as depressing as people think. There are a lot of happy moments in people's homes when you take care of them,” she says. — I love my job - I think it matters a lot. It’s one thing to hear someone say, “Live your life to the fullest,” but it’s another thing entirely to see your mortality in front of you every single day. Tomorrow is not guaranteed.”

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Hadley's The In-Between: Unforgettable Encounters During Life's Final Moments is available for purchase here.

@nursehadley I'm asked all the time how I stay so positive. It's because of everything I've learned from my incredible patients. I hope their wisdom and advice can help you on your life journey as well! ? #hospicenurse #advice #regrets ♬ Golden Hour: Piano Version - Andy Morris

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