Successful people are formed from childhood: 7 skills that a child needs to instill

On Children's Day, I would like to remind parents that your work is extremely important. You invest a lot of energy and nerves in your children - you want to teach them everything you know yourself, prepare them for possible failures, give them joy and a sense of security. But what skills really separate successful kids from "those who struggle," and how to teach those skills to others? CNBC.

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“When I started my career teaching at-risk children, most of my students lived in poverty, suffered from abuse, had learning difficulties, were emotionally or physically handicapped. I wanted to find ways to help them succeed,” said Michelle Borba, PhD, educational psychologist, parenting expert, and author. She lives in Palm Springs, California with her husband and three sons.

As an educational psychologist, she learned a very important lesson: successful people are made, not born. Children need a safe, loving, and structured childhood, but they also need autonomy, competence, and agency to thrive.

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After reviewing a wealth of research on the traits most closely associated with optimizing children's developmental abilities, she identified seven skills that children need to increase mental resilience, social competence, self-awareness, and moral strength—they are the ones that separate successful kids who shine from those who don't. fights:

1. Self-confidence

Most parents equate self-esteem with self-confidence. They tell their children “you are special” or “you can be anything you want.”

But there is little evidence that boosting self-esteem increases academic achievement or even genuine happiness. However, studies show that children who attribute their grades to their own efforts and strengths are more successful than children who believe they have no control over academic results.

True self-confidence is the result of you succeeding, facing obstacles, finding solutions, and standing your ground. Solving your child's problems or doing his tasks for him, you only make him think that he is not believed in, that he cannot cope on his own.

Children who are self-confident know that they can fail, but at the same time are able to recover, so we must stop “rescuing” them.

2. Empathy

This strength of character has three different types: affective empathy, when we share other people's feelings and feel their emotions; behavioral empathy, where empathic concern pulls us together to act with empathy; and cognitive empathy, where we understand another's thoughts or put ourselves in their shoes.

Children need an emotional vocabulary to develop empathy. Here are ways parents can teach this:

• Label emotions: Intentionally name emotions in context to help them build an emotional vocabulary: “You’re happy” or “You look upset.”
• Ask questions: “What did you feel about it? You look scared. I'm right?" Help your child realize that all feelings are normal. The way we express them can get us into trouble.
• Share feelings: Children need to be able to express their feelings safely. Create this space by sharing your emotions: “I haven't slept much, so I'm irritable” or “I'm disappointed in this book.”
• Pay attention to others: Point out the faces and body language of people in the library or park: “How do you think this man is feeling?” or “Have you ever felt like this?”

3. Self control

The ability to control their attention, emotions, thoughts, actions, and desires is one of the strengths most closely associated with success, and an amazing undiscovered secret to helping kids bounce back and thrive.

One way to teach self-control is to signal. Some children find it difficult to switch attention between activities. This is why teachers use "attention cues" such as ringing a bell or verbal cues: "Pencils put down, eyes up."

Develop a signal, practice together, and then wait for attention! For example: “I need your attention in one minute. Ready to listen?”

Another technique is to use stress breaks. Slowing down gives them time to think. Teach your child a “pause cue” that can be used to remind them to stop and think before acting:

• "If you're angry, count to 10 before you answer."
• “When in doubt, stop, think, cool down.”
• "Don't say anything about yourself that you don't want to."

4. Honesty

Honesty is a set of acquired beliefs, abilities, attitudes, and skills that creates a moral compass that children can use to help themselves know what is right.

Statement of our own beliefs is a huge piece of the puzzle. But it is equally important to give them space to develop their own moral identity alongside and apart from ours.

It also helps that you recognize and praise ethical behavior when your child demonstrates it. This way he will understand that you appreciate him. Label the concept “honesty,” then describe the action so your child knows what they deserved recognition for.

Using the word “because” makes your praise more specific: “It was fair that you refused to spread that gossip,” or “You were fair because you kept your promise to go with a friend even though you had to skip the slumber party!”

5. Curiosity

Curiosity is the process of learning new things, the desire and desire to explore unknown, complex and uncertain events.

“To help children develop curiosity, I usually use toys, gadgets, and open-ended games. Give them paint, yarn, and popsicle sticks to create designs. Or offer paper clips and pipe cleaners and challenge your children to see how many unusual ways they can use,” advises the psychologist.

Another method is to model curiosity. Don't use the phrase "this won't work" - try another one: "we'll see what happens!" Instead of giving answers, ask, “What do you think? How do you know? How can you know this?”

Or, for example, when you are reading a book, watching a movie, just walking past someone, asking questions with the word “interesting”: “I wonder where she is going? I wonder why they do it? I wonder what will happen next?

6. Perseverance

Persistence helps kids keep going even when they feel like giving up.

Mistakes can prevent children from reaching the end and succeeding. So don't let your child catastrophize their problem. Instead, help him focus and identify where he stumbled.

Some kids give up because they feel overwhelmed by "all the problems" or "all their tasks." Dividing tasks into smaller ones will help a child who has difficulty concentrating or getting started.

For example, teach him to “break into parts” math problems by covering everything with a sheet of paper except the top row. Then gradually, when the solution to the first row is found, lower the paper row by row below as you count each of them.

Older children can write each task on one sticky note in order of difficulty and complete one task at a time. Encourage them to do the hardest first so they don't worry about it all night. Confidence and perseverance grow when children complete large chunks alone.

7. Optimism

Optimistic children view problems and obstacles as temporary and manageable, so they are more likely to succeed.

But there is a sharply opposite point of view: pessimism. Pessimistic children see problems as permanent, so they are more likely to drop out.

Teaching our children optimism starts with us. Children perceive our words as their inner voice, so for the next few days, tune in to your typical messages and appreciate the views you offer to your children.

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On average, would you say that you are generally more pessimistic or optimistic? You usually describe things as positive or negative; the glass is half full or empty; good or bad? Would your friends and family say the same about you?

If you find yourself leaning towards a half-empty glass, remember that change starts with you. If you see pessimism, write about what can help you become more optimistic.

Change is hard, but it's important to be an example of what you want your child to learn.

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