Date in the US: who pays and how much

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He picked up the bill wrapped in leather, looked me in the eye and said: “Listen, I don’t want to offend you, don’t think that I’m taking care of you, I know that you’re an independent woman, but please let me pay for you". I paused, looked at him, exhaled loudly and said, “Of course, don’t worry.”

It was our first date—less than a week after several hundred thousand people showed up for the Women's March in Washington—and the first time a man had paid for my cocktail so dramatically.

From my American-Ukrainian friends, I learned how the guys in the US get offended when the girls at least don't pretend, clutching at the sight of the bill for their purse, that they want to pay for themselves after the date. And so, too, every time I played this popular American game, although I knew that if he agreed to split the bill on the first date, I would smile broadly like an American, but I would make ruthless Ukrainian conclusions.

In fact, the culture of “first dates” between Ukrainians and Americans is very similar. According to survey data Money and SurveyMonkey, the overwhelming majority of Americans are still convinced that the man should pay on the first date. But it is interesting that among those who answered in the affirmative, there are more guys - 85% versus 72% of women who said yes.

The majority of the men surveyed also said that they were willing to pay at least $50 for the first meeting—whether it was a dinner, a concert, or something else—while the overwhelming majority of women said fifty dollars was the maximum.

A friend of mine who doesn’t really believe in monogamous relationships told me how he spent his entire month’s salary on “first dates” because others weren’t in his plans.

“You won’t believe it, there are 100 dollars left in the account,” he began the sentence, but at that time he received an SMS, “well, consider it not,” he smiled contentedly, finishing his whiskey.

Фото: Depositphotos

When, according to the unwritten rules of 21st century etiquette, do Americans consider it generally accepted to start paying equally? From my experience, listening to friends and reading comments on forums, I realized that the consensus on this issue lies somewhere around the third to fifth date. The first few meetings - they write in the advice section on a popular dating site Match.com - it is enough for the guy to demonstrate his “knightly” qualities, then (if it comes to this) - it’s time for the girl to show that she is ready for a serious adult relationship.

One of the guys told a story about how he liked a girl, and they went on two dates, and when on the third she offered to split the bill, he realized that this relationship had a future.

A friend of mine from Florida always splits the bill equally with her boyfriend. And if at dinner she, say, ate one more taco than he did, the boyfriend will certainly point this out, adding: “It’s okay, you can treat me to ice cream on the way home.”

And if in Ukraine this expression is rather abstract, and no one ever remembers all the “debts” in the form of coffee and ice cream, then rest assured, this guy does not suffer from memory loss. However, in their home life, they also have everything equally. She prepares the food, and he (and only he) washes the dishes and cleans the apartment. In this regard, it seems to me that American society plays honestly: if a couple builds a partnership rather than a protective relationship, then this should also apply to finances.

Many older Ukrainians are surprised when American couples pay equally for apartment rent or summer vacation. But it seems to me that millennials - in New York or Kiev - have long realized that it is much easier to build equal relationships when they are NOT measured in “fur coats and borscht”, like “I bought her a fur coat, which means she has to cook me 2000 borscht.” .

Фото: Depositphotos

Personally, I am a fan of the American approach. Although there are certain cultural nuances here too. As a fan of “spending intuitiveness” (I never have a problem paying for a guy if I’m, say, standing closer to the cash register, or I’m just in that mood), I’m often bothered by the excessive rationality of many American men when it comes to finances.

One of my dates, an American who grew up in New York, almost always insisted that he pays for dinner. But each time he considered it his duty to explain in detail why he was doing this. “You ate less,” he would tell me with a serious expression on his face, or “I ate part of your dessert.” Then I realized that it really records how much I eat, and I completely lost my appetite. So we started going to the movies and concerts.

Among Americans, it is considered normal to, say, bring alcohol to a party and take away what you haven’t finished at the end of the evening, no matter whether it’s a party or a date. Flowers are sold everywhere in Washington, but it seems like only older people and lesbians buy them. And the only American guy who often gave them to me first asked if I was allergic and if I liked flowers in general, because he didn’t want to waste money.

Therefore, when girlfriends from Ukraine ask what seems strange to me and what is missing in relations with Americans, I’m not talking about the financial component of courtship at all. I honestly admit: there is not enough spontaneity, irrationality, senseless romantic acts, beautiful gestures without long explanations and justifications. This is in America too, but mostly on Netflix - in the romantic comedies section.

The original column is published on the website of the Ukrainian service.VOA".

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