I'm overworked and have no energy for relationships: How Russian-speaking women in America fall into this trap

Weekends spent staring at a computer screen, lunch replaced by negotiations with clients and a walk, with the background anxiety about current projects. Health and rest—everything seems to fade into the background. You're working yourself to the bone, and there's never enough time for a personal life. "If I don't continue, everything will fall apart," the inner voice dictates. But what's behind it—difficult working conditions, ambition, deep psychological trauma? And how can you break out of this rut ​​without sacrificing your career and become happy? We discussed this with a psychoanalyst and hypnotherapist. Yulia Trifonova.

What are the real reasons for working to the point of exhaustion?

Sometimes, working yourself to exhaustion isn't so much a project's imperative, but rather a person's psyche. In such cases, neither changing jobs nor moving back home will help. They can even be detrimental, as a lifestyle change brings additional stress. This is especially true for someone suffering from chronic fatigue. The true causes of working yourself to exhaustion usually require a deeper look.

"If I don't, no one will help me in this life," "I need to earn the right to live through achievements and victories," the desire to protect oneself, hide fear, and numb guilt—these are the reasons we often encounter when working on the issue of binge workaholism. Sometimes, a woman's complete dedication to her career can also stem from difficulties in her personal life. After a painful experience, she chooses to hold off on finding a partner, but then sticks to this strategy for years. Moreover, working herself to the bone is very convenient. Everything is clearer in it—deadlines, KPIs, clients, sales. The process is captivating. In relationships, a woman often simply doesn't know how to build them properly or choose a partner. It's easier for her to retreat into workaholism and say to herself, "I don't need a relationship, I'll see about that someday." For her, work is a socially acceptable way to escape to a place of fear and uncertainty.

At first glance, it seems like working yourself to exhaustion can actually do more good than harm. This is especially true for strong women. You can sacrifice rest, but as a result, you might get a promotion or earn more. But often, the price for debilitating fatigue is not only your psyche but also your health. After all, the psyche and the body are connected: every trauma has its "place in our body." That's why, in therapy, we work extensively with bodily reactions. You can build a successful career with a balanced schedule, avoiding health problems and unlocking even more of your personal potential.

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The first step to understanding yourself

If you've started feeling tired frequently, and rest isn't helping, try observing yourself first. Close your eyes when you're feeling exhausted. Forget logic, and allow yourself to feel whatever comes to mind. If you're not currently feeling tired, recall any work task or difficult situation.

If a situation or problem literally throws you off course—you freeze, experience intense physical discomfort, and fear—it means your binge workaholism isn't driven by responsibility or ambition. Perhaps it's fueled by fear and a mindless desire to "survive." Through work, you're resolving unconscious traumas from completely different areas of your life. In this case, it's worth seeking deep therapy to address the root of the problem.

Yulia Trifonova is a psychologist, psychoanalyst, and hypnotherapist with 18 years of practical experience. Photo from personal archive.

Is it possible to build a career and a happy relationship without sacrifice?

Many women who work themselves to the bone think, "First I'll build my career, then I'll focus on relationships." It sounds logical, but in practice, this often works differently. Relationships are our biological need. It can be suppressed, but it won't go away and can find release in the least expected places.

Often, such women go on dates, go on vacation, and walk in the park. They don't deny themselves these things directly. However, underlying tension remains. They sit in the movie theater and think about projects. They go on a date and replay work problems in their head. They can't fully relax. Relaxation becomes formal, not restorative. Behind this tension often lies fear about money: "there won't be enough to pay the bills," "there won't be enough for insurance," "what if everything falls apart?" This fear is often not rooted in lack of money, but on a deeper level—about life itself.

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The fear that if you relax, your business will collapse and your clients will leave almost always turns out to be false. It's possible to achieve high results without turning every workday into a struggle for survival. Moreover, when a woman stops working herself to the bone and begins to understand the true causes of this state, something amazing happens. The energy that was previously spent fighting is released. And then she begins to build relationships with partners, clients, and employees differently. The "attacker" position is replaced by one of "we win together." And the internal fear for survival, which is always evident during negotiations, is replaced by a sense of ease. And the business only grows from this—often even more so than if she were working herself to the bone. Life becomes more harmonious, more fulfilling, and health improves.

Ultimately, tough days will still come. Challenging projects won't go away. But they won't consume you entirely. You'll still have time and resources for an evening with your partner, for a serene stroll without the background anxiety. You'll be able to give yourself a break, do nothing, and recharge with renewed energy to conquer those daunting heights.

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