Lost childhood and emptiness: why Americans adopted by children return to Russia

In the 90 years of the last millennium, American families adopted more than 60 thousand Russian children. From 2000 of the year, approximately 3-5 of thousands of orphans went to America to their new parents, until in 2012 in Russia they passed the law, which is now known to everyone as the “Dima Yakovlev Law”. It prohibits the adoption of children by American citizens.

Фото: Depositphotos

Present Tense collected the stories of three girls who were adopted by their parents from the USA as children. Now they are adult girls and are in Russia, some temporarily and some forever.

“I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO ADOPT CHILDREN FROM RUSSIA”

Elena Deidra O`Hulahan was born in Ulyanovsk 32 years ago. The girl was three years old when she and two younger brothers were taken from her mother. The woman gave birth to four children from three different men and for a long time left the kids alone, locked in the apartment. The youngest was only a year old. Relatives then said that this behavior of the mother was forced, she had to go to work. But Elena says that she has this version in doubt.

One way or another, one day neighbors found out about the locked children and reported to social services. Two brothers and Lena were sent to an orphanage. Another girl, Elena’s younger sister, stayed with her mother. Why they made this particular decision – to “remove” three children and leave one – Elena does not know. Nobody ever visited them and their brothers in the orphanage. So eight long years passed.

“All I always knew about my parents was that they were alcoholics and bad people,” Elena recalls. “But it was also unbearable in the orphanage. I still can’t understand why none of the relatives wanted to take us from there. It's like they forgot about us. Do you see the scar on his forehead? I was sitting at the table, something fell and I reached out to get it. The teacher came up and hit me backhand. For no reason. And similar things happened to me and my brothers all the time. The orphanage workers beat us, verbally humiliated us, took away the things we were entitled to: clothes from social assistance, gifts for the New Year...”

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Elena says that she and the brothers survived sexual abuse. The brothers, having matured, remembered dryly about this, without going into details. Elena herself only in adulthood realized what was happening to her. Memories surged across her suddenly:

“I don’t understand what was the trigger, but I suddenly clearly remembered that man. I don’t know who he was: either he worked there, or he came to see someone. He raped me for several years when I was six or seven. He caught me everywhere: in the orphanage, on the street, at school. Touched. I couldn’t do anything because no one told me what was normal and what wasn’t.”

Lena and her brothers no longer hoped that they would be adopted: the girl was 11 years old, and foreigners, as a rule, opted for very young children. Clancy O`Hulahan, an 50-year-old military man, arrived in Ulyanovsk and adopted eight children at once - including Lena and his brothers. She recalls how they first ate at McDonald's in Moscow, walked, took pictures, and then flew on a plane for a long time.

So the Russian children and the American began to live together. Not without problems, of course: Lena says that the adopted children fought among themselves, and sometimes there were “real fights” in the house. But Clancy was not afraid of this: he already had three adopted children, and later he adopted several more - Elena recalls that at some point the number of adopted children in the house reached 18 people. The single father was helped by his friends and relatives.

Now Elena is divorced, works as a lawyer in a government organization for pensioners, she has a small daughter. About three years ago, Elena, with the help of a friend in Ulyanovsk, found her sister. She was adopted by another family. It turned out that she did not know that she had a sister and two brothers in America. The girls started chatting on Facebook: so Elena found out that her biological mother was still alive.

“My sister maintained a relationship with her that could not be called prosperous,” Elena says bitterly. “But when my mother found out that we had found each other, she practically stopped communicating with her sister. Through my sister, I sent my mother photographs and letters in which I said that I didn’t hold a grudge and would like to communicate. She didn't answer any of them. It felt like she hated us for finding her.”

It was not possible to see each other: Elena's mother died in November 2018, leaving behind only one photo - on her passport. When Elena found out about her death, she sent her sister money to help with the funeral. Now the sisters continue to communicate, the American is still eagerly trying to find information about her past. She hoped to talk with her grandmother - but she also died. There are other relatives through whom it may be possible to find out at least something. For example, if Elena’s biological father is alive, nothing is known about him at all.

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“Of course, losing the past is terrible,” says Elena. “Even doctors in America ask me: “Did you have this disease in your family?” I answer: “I don’t know, I’m an adopted child.”

Three years ago, in a dream, Elena’s younger brother died. He has had health problems since childhood. Sister very hard suffered his departure. But, getting used to pull herself together, she continued to live.

“I could hide in an imaginary ‘corner’ and spend the rest of my life thinking about my grief, thereby prolonging it,” she says. - But it's no use. Looking back at my experience, I can say for sure: I would not be able to adopt children from Russian orphanages. Their lives are so hard, they are so broken and unaccustomed to family and independence, that they almost always become a problem for their new families. Yes, 20 years have passed since we left, but – oh, God! – Russia still has the same president, what changes can we talk about? Therefore, I am sure that nothing has changed in the system since then.”

"FINALLY I'M HOME"

In the summer of 2019, the 29-year-old Masha Cook from Minneapolis arrived in the small Karelian city of Suoyarvi. Her biological mother still lives there. She was found thanks to a group for foster children from Russia and Ukraine on Facebook: Masha joined her three years ago, told her story - and after a few days the organizers contacted her.

“They wrote to me at night: they said that they had found my biological parents and that I could talk on Skype with my mother right now,” Masha says excitedly. “They found her thanks to social networks: some woman in the local community wrote that she remembered our family and gave her mother’s contacts. I saw her on my monitor: my mother was crying, saying: “Oh my God!” – and asked me to come to Russia so that she could explain everything to me. At that time I had not yet studied Russian; my friend translated our conversation. Since then, for three years I lived only with these thoughts: I studied Russian, prepared documents and thought about how they would greet me in my homeland.”

Masha’s father did not live to see him: he died in the 2017 year. When the girl arrived in her hometown, she could not find his grave. Until the last day he drank. Masha’s biological mother also drinks heavily. The girl was in a hurry to Russia: she was hinted that her mother might not live up to her arrival.

The childhood of Masha, her brother Vladik and sister Vika was terrible. Their parents, who at that time were not even thirty, disappeared for weeks, drank and brought strangers into the house. Mother was engaged in prostitution, children often saw strangers. They raped older children. Masha does not remember this, but she knows from the stories of her brother and sister that strangers did inadmissible things with them. Vlad was seven years old, Vika was five, Masha was three years old.

“When we were seized by the guardianship authorities, I was on the verge of death,” says Masha. “I developed muscular dystrophy: I couldn’t even get out of bed, my skin seemed to be rotting, plus severe dehydration. They told me later that I couldn’t even cry from hunger. My brother and sister brought me food - they were fed by neighbors, people on the streets. Everyone knew us, so the parents’ arguments in court that “everything is fine with us and the children are well-fed” obviously did not work.”

In the hospital, the girl was nursed for several months, and then sent to an orphanage, where Vladik and Vika were already. The father visited the children, but rarely: after the deprivation of guardianship, he, according to acquaintances, began to grieve and washed down even more.

“Of course, in the provincial orphanage in the 90s it was hard, to put it mildly,” recalls Masha. “Three years after we got there, we were told that an American family wanted to adopt us.”

Later, their American father Craig told his adopted daughters and son that he saw three Russian children in a dream: two girls and a boy. Therefore, when a friend from an adoption agency casually showed him a photograph of Vika, Vladik and Masha, he shouted: “That’s them! These are my children!

“Judy, our mother, was all for it,” adds Masha.

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The first thing that struck Russian children in America was chewing gum. New and tasty. In Suoyarvi, Vladik and Vika, wandering around, unfastened the chewing gum from the sidewalks. The main thing that American parents had to teach their children to is love. They did not know what it was. Two years later, Craig and Judy adopted three more children from Russia, and after some time - one seriously ill child from Minnesota.

“When my plane landed in Russia this summer, I caught myself feeling that I was finally home,” shares Masha. “What I saw around me didn’t seem unusual.” It's like a good friend with whom you somehow lost contact for many years: he is still inside you, you talk to him. I went to Suoyarvi with friends: I tried to go there without expectations, so as not to be upset later. Mom knew that we were coming, but despite this, she was already drunk. When she saw me, she ran up and began to sob. Me too, of course. But we still couldn’t talk: I’m just learning Russian, and she’s already having difficulty pronouncing words. When I showed our album from America with children’s photos, I understood from her absent look: where I am and where Vika is, she doesn’t understand.”

Vika died last fall. She was 30 years old, she drank a lot, and the liver could not stand it. Unfortunately, neither Vika nor Vladik, having matured, could cope with the past, says Masha. The brother stopped communicating with the sisters a few years ago.

“He said that when he looks at us, he remembers everything that happened to him in Russia. It was also very difficult for Vika, I saw it. But when I spoke about her death in Suoyarvi, there was almost no reaction. “Oh, she died?” - that’s all our mother said.”

After meeting with her biological mother, Masha returned broken, a real depression began. She did not stop feeling emptiness, but felt it only stronger. But in Suojärvi, she met her uncle, her father’s brother, and those same neighbors who helped children in childhood. Masha says that the thought of these people warms her and she hopes to keep in touch with them.

“Of course, all these years I lived with sadness and wondered if my mother at least sometimes thinks about us, does she remember? But she is no longer quite human, alas. And he doesn’t feel what we’ve felt all these years. Do I forgive her? I forgave you a long time ago. My American mother wrote her a letter, her friends will translate it into Russian and give it to her. I wish she cared."

Despite the fact that childhood ghosts are still attacking Masha: she sleeps very poorly, panic attacks constantly occur - the girl is set up for a happy life. In September, she marries a childhood friend.

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Rewrite Memories

29-year-old Alexandra (the name of the heroine was changed at her request) only remembers her mother because she had red-red hair. Since the Americans adopted her, Sasha has not seen her biological parents. Father died shortly after his two daughters were in an orphanage. He worked at a university in St. Petersburg. Upon learning that the former wife and mother of his children were deprived of parental rights (he was not included in the birth certificates), he washed down and died.

The girls' mother died four years after her children were taken from her. Guardianship came for them due to constant beatings, drinking and hunger. Sasha says that her head then, at four years old, was “twice the size of her body.” And I wanted to eat all the time. In total, their mother had five children: the two girls sent to the orphanage had a brother and three sisters, one of whom died. But the older children no longer lived at home.

Sasha remembers how the guardianship staff came to take them away, and her mother put a stack of photographs at the door and told her daughters to “go on vacation with their aunts,” promising that she would catch up with them. But I didn’t catch up. And then I never came to the orphanage. And a pack of photographs was forgotten at the doorstep.

In the last years of their life, their mother wandered, drank - as a result, she was found dead on the street. Buried at the expense of the state. On a modest grave - a small tablet with the name and surname. When Sasha, having picked up the archives in 2016, found the cemetery in her native Peterhof, she did not immediately find where her mother was resting.

“I remember I yelled at her,” the girl says about her visit to the grave. – She sobbed, howled, tried to express everything that she wanted to say during these years. But at the same time I told her “thank you”, that I don’t blame her for what happened, I don’t hold a grudge. That conversation in the cemetery was an important step towards my psychological recovery.”

Mother died in the 1998 year, but Sasha found out about this only after 16 years. All these years, she imagined how she would come to Russia, find her mother and ask why they had left her and her sister.

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The girls moved to the United States in 1995 along with three other children from Russia who were adopted by their new parents. The family asked not to remember Russia: “You are now in America, you have a new life.” Sasha believes that this had the opposite effect: at the age of 11, she decided that she would definitely return to her homeland and work in an orphanage. At the university I entered the faculty where they taught Russian. And then I went to Russia to study as an exchange student - 16 years after leaving for America.

“I arrived in St. Petersburg and was terribly scared,” recalls Sasha. “I remember how on the street I was covered by a wave of a familiar smell, which I felt so deeply that I was horrified. Days passed, but this condition did not go away. I studied, made new friends, went to cafes, but I couldn’t get rid of this feeling. In the end, I went to that same orphanage. They remembered me there and my photograph hung on a stand dedicated to foreign adoptive families. I started volunteering, became an English tutor, and it seemed to make me feel better: I felt that I could count on help there. But the longer I was in the orphanage, the deeper I plunged into the emotional hole, where it was dark and creepy. I got scared and stopped going there.”

Sasha barely reached the end of that school year. Her state of mind left much to be desired: she got drunk to unconsciousness and forgot about safety. At that time, she did not learn anything about biological parents - there was no strength. I decided that I could only step back in America. There, having come to her senses a little and started going to the psychotherapist, Sasha applied for a scholarship, which after graduation would allow her to go to Russia and teach English there for a year.

“I sent the application in agony. I didn’t know if I could cope with another year in Russia, because the previous one resulted in an emotional and physical catastrophe, a real psychological trauma. Without making a decision, I asked God to give me a sign. And when the scholarship was approved, a week before leaving, I heard his voice in my head at a church service. He told me not to be afraid. I stopped. And when I left, I felt complete peace.”

In a language camp where she worked in Russia, Sasha met her future husband. After 2,5 years of relations at a distance, Sasha confirmed Russian citizenship and a passport, and she with five suitcases moved to Russia and got married. American parents also came to the ceremony. Initially, they were against Sasha’s intentions to return, but having met her fiancé and his family, they became warmer. At the wedding was Sasha’s biological older brother, who was found.

“Eight years ago, when I first went to Russia and began to think about moving, my parents were worried about me: they were afraid that all this would bring me pain,” says Sasha. “But a few years later, seeing how glad I was that I had returned and how my life had improved in my homeland, they calmed down. I regularly visit them and call them.”

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The eldest children of their mothers, who escaped the orphanage, now communicate with Sasha. One of the sisters lives near Moscow, one - abroad. Brother, like Sasha, in St. Petersburg.

“How do the sisters and brother live now? I will not go into details, I will only say that they have not yet been able to fully cope with the emotional burden that our childhood has placed on them. But we try to keep in touch."

Living in St. Petersburg, Sasha works in the same organization that helped other heroines of this material, Elena and Masha, to come home. He draws up new documents and helps to correct mistakes in old ones, as well as emotionally supports growing social orphans. People come to Russia and Ukraine from around the world: the group consists of more than a thousand people not only from America, but also from Canada, France, Italy, and other European countries. There are those who do not go to their homeland, but simply communicate in a group. Sasha says that support for foster children, albeit long overdue, is very important. As for foster parents, Sasha also works with them.

“Most adopted children still experience tremendous pain,” she says. - Alas, it doesn’t happen like this: you were transported to another country - and your life changed dramatically. For example, we were not taken to psychologists as children. Therefore, talking about your past, getting to know it, and not being afraid to discuss it is important. I myself went through this condition, so I know how to support people like me.”

Sasha mentions the “Dima Yakovlev Law,” adopted in 2012 and banning the adoption of Russian children by US citizens. She says that she has two feelings about him: on the one hand, she has nothing against the fact that Americans who sincerely want it can adopt Russian children, on the other hand, she knows what it means to lose touch with the past.

“To lose your childhood, your culture, people, personality, in the end - you wouldn’t wish that on your enemy. In an ideal world, all children in the country should remain in it, but I would like to see children adopted more often in Russia. Only then will it be possible to talk about the real restoration of the nation, I believe.”

Now Sasha is five months pregnant. She says that motherhood does not frighten her, because she has “forgiven” the sins of her mother and “rewritten” the memories of her biological parents:

“I want to become a mother who will leave her children a legacy of faith, love and peace, and not the fear and pain that I inherited. My childhood was difficult, and it was once difficult for my own mother. But she couldn’t control herself, preferring to drink and take drugs so as not to feel anything. And I can handle it. Because thanks to God I want and can live in my homeland.”

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