Personal experience: I was born after a rape and all my life I hate myself and wish I had died

The girl told her story - she was born as a result of rape. Living with this is not easy for her, reports Time.

Photo: Shutterstock

“Today is June 27th. I'm 29. It's my birthday. And I wish it didn’t exist at all,” she says.

She didn't always hate her birthday. She clearly remembers when she was 5 years old. Celebrated in the backyard with a little pony her grandmother found and Hot Wheels cars her classmate came to play with.

She remembers going to the skating rink when she was 6 years old. A bowling alley party when she was 9. A sleepover with waffles and ice cream when she was 10. She and her friends sang karaoke. Her mother and grandmother were judges. “They chose my shyest friend as the winner. I think this is my earliest memory of kindness over easy choices.

On the subject: In Ohio, a 10-year-old girl got pregnant after being raped, but tough state laws forbid her from having an abortion

At that time, I didn’t know that my birthday hurt someone,” the girl says.

“It happened at a gas station. That moment of silence between removing the key from the ignition and opening the car door. I was little. But I heard her words: “I should have killed you when I had the chance.” Even sitting in the back seat, I could feel the truth being released. That day I learned to hate myself,” says the girl.

“Now I knew that my mother was young. At the time I was 8 or 9 years old, my mother was about 20 years old. I remember the shocked looks on the other parents' faces when my mother came to accompany me on my first field trip. It was strange, but not embarrassing. Not yet. Years later, I learned the whole truth - my mother was sexually abused at age 15. In addition to the pain and trauma, the result was me,” the young woman said.

“When I sat down to write what became my debut novel in July 2019, those words at the gas station were still in my head, as they have been every day since. I had no intention of publishing a book. At least not then. I had no desire to delve into my past. I wrote the story of Michie, a high school student who is estranged from her mother, as a way for me to come to terms with something that I felt in my 20s that I didn't want to exist with. I haven't spoken to my mother for several years. I still don't talk. But the book Love Times Infinity came out fully formed,” says the girl.

“I was terribly worried about how my book would be received. Will people think that I am promoting anti-abortion propaganda, a position that I myself have not fully understood? Writing about Michie's journey helped me with this and gave me greater understanding and empathy. I was worried in a general sense - the topic was something that vibrated only on the surface, but was not the focus of attention every day. We were still living in a world where many believed there was no real threat to the status quo,” she says.

“And my book coincided with the agenda. With the current topic of the day, such as global warming or healthcare. Abortion rights are on everyone's mind, and if you're like me, you think about it almost every second of the day. I can't stop thinking about my role in a conversation in which so many people want to act as proxies for us children born of sexual abuse. Honestly, this makes me angry. It makes me angry that people who stop caring about us the moment we leave the womb pretend to know our thoughts, our hearts. So I made it clear,” says the woman.

“I would not have happily lived this life if it had given my mother peace and complete freedom to control her own body. In fact, it wouldn't affect my life at all. Maybe my spirit would move to the next body, maybe I would continue to live in the nothingness that I am no longer. I don't know and I really don't care. And while I am grateful for my life, beyond grateful, I don’t think it’s worth more than my mother’s life, regardless of the relationship,” she says.

“I spent most of my teenage years wanting to die. Every day I felt the burden of my existence. I still can't put into words the darkness that runs through you when you believe you weren't chosen, loved, or wanted. It wasn't force that kept me here. It was fear. Fear that perhaps I was destined for hell, that a man conceived from something so dark, so evil, might one day receive the place in heaven promised by those who made me exist and then leave me to suffer alone . Many children do not survive in this darkness, either with their own hands or with the hands of their parents, who are forced to give them their bodies,” says the young woman.

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“I want to be understood correctly. I don't think a person has to be abused to have access to an abortion. I think the extremism used in the conversation, while a real concern, is useless in the overall fight for reproductive justice. Harm should not be a reason to exercise complete control over one's own body.

But if you are also a child who has been sexually abused, just know that I hear you, the woman says. — Maybe you struggle with gratitude for your life and the desire that your life does not harm another. I know you're tired of people talking about you, about you, but never to you, never for you. Because they are too busy speaking for themselves, pushing their agendas, and using our stories to perpetuate harm. Today I’m 29 and I still wish it weren’t like this.”

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