How to build relationships with American mother-in-law - ForumDaily
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How to build relationships with American in-law

Depositphotos.com photo

The general complaint of mother-in-law and mother-in-law usually comes down to two things: you DO NOT love my son (daughter), and you don't respect me enough. Depositphotos.com photo

Whatever country and nation we belong to, first of all, we are just people. Different destinies, characters, mentalities. But we have some common features too. Why is communication between mother-in-law and mother-in-law, daughter-in-law and mother-in-law sometimes so thorny? Because there are often differences in expectations and norms, misunderstanding, hidden or obvious irritation at each other, forced (and not freely chosen!) Communication, and even outright jealousy.

Conflicts can be both very commonplace and unique. But the content of these disputes is not so important. The essence of them, upon closer inspection, is usually very similar.

The common complaint of mother-in-law and mother-in-law on any continent usually comes down to two things: you DO NOT love my son (daughter) and you do not respect me enough. Claims of daughters-in-law and son-in-law, as a rule, about violation of the boundaries of the young family by the older generation. And then - variations on the subject of subordination, the establishment of new rules of life, the distribution of all kinds of resources (time, money, help, etc.).

Are there any peculiarities in communicating with an American mother-in-law? As a rule, yes. We'll talk about this today. But this concerns mainly the cultural norms of interaction with grown children in this country. But from a psychological point of view, everything remains the same: all mothers want happiness for their children, and will gladly “leave you alone” when they are convinced that their child is happy in the marriage. All daughters-in-law want to be accepted into a new family - without high expectations - and would be glad to have grandchildren if they appear in this marriage.

Situation: American mother-in-law can not be called a mother?

“My husband’s mother is coming to visit from another state soon. I'll see her for the first time. The husband said that you can’t call her mom - it’s not customary. Are there any tips on how to deal with a typical American mother-in-law?

"Typical" people do not exist. It is necessary to observe basic courtesy and hospitality. And remember that it is not the “mother” who comes to whom you can immediately entrust the most confidential information, complain about life or immediately wait for help, gifts and the readiness to be always on the pick. A completely unfamiliar person arrives for you, whom, however, you can already respect in advance as the mother of your chosen one, but - you still don’t know her at all ...

You need to take a closer look at her, adapt yourself, understand what her criteria are for evaluating you as a daughter-in-law, what her picture of the world as a whole is, how you are with her and different. If there is an opportunity to collect at least some of this information from the husband before my mother's arrival - do it. Include a healthy, benevolent curiosity. It will only be nice for your husband to ask about her, even if he has a difficult relationship with his mother. But - mother is mother.

Accept the mother-in-law as a “dear guest”, but not as your mother. She is not obliged to “become a mother” to you, to replace her with you - even if you miss your mother very much.

The mother-in-law has her children, and she will always treat them more loyally than their partners. If something happens between you and your husband, like any mother, she will first of all regret her child - and will come over to your side in the conflict only if she feels that you can help her save her son, help him, keep him from some destructive steps in his life.

But in general - and this is one of the hallmarks of American parents - she would prefer not to interfere in your conflicts. In any case, obviously. She can gently ask her son about this, if she realizes that he is ready to share this, she can talk about it with him - but she is unlikely to discuss you with other people or make scandals with you. Americans can respect both their own and foreign borders. They believe that the personal life of their children is the business of the children themselves. And you can intervene only if they directly ask for it.

Yes, at first it may seem strange to us - or even unfair. In a country where we grew up, generations are interconnected much more firmly, and the borders of a married couple are rarely respected as inviolable. And here you hardly threaten the classic "family scenes." No one will make a loud argument over a family dinner party. You have been invited as a couple - and will be with you both polite and patient.

But - not necessarily welcome. And this is not what is commonly called American insincerity. This is diplomacy and unwillingness to make loud scenes, spoiling your mood, reputation and relationships with loved ones.

Situation: Mother-in-law helps with money, but against receipt

“My mother-in-law found out that we want to go on vacation to Russia, but we don’t have enough money, and the vacation is postponed. She came to visit with an envelope containing money and a receipt that I had to sign. It was a shock for me. Is this normal relations in American families?”

About money is a separate topic, yes. In many American families, it is believed that money should earn, and not be given for nothing as a sign of intimacy, support and mutual assistance. Most children, for example, have pocket money either as a holiday gift, or receive it for fulfilling their housework duties (washing dishes, mowing the lawn, etc.). If a teenager wants to buy a car, he has the right to find an official job. , starting with 14 years, and gradually save to make if not the whole amount, then at least a fairly weighty part of the cost. Many students work after graduation (despite serious homework) to pay for their college and university themselves. Parents can help them - with a starting capital or, on the contrary, to make some missing amount at a critical moment, but few people are ready to fully take over the maintenance of an adult and already capable child, even if he is learning.

For us, all this is not very familiar, right? Parents fully contain both a schoolboy, and often even a student, and even then, almost to retirement, they are ready to “throw up” something and help - when with money, when with chores, when with vegetables from a country garden. In our culture, money is not just a resource for survival, but also a means of expressing love and care. Therefore, parents give (care) with joy, and children readily take. BUT: you weren’t paid as a child for cleaning or help in the kitchen, right? Domestic help was considered your natural contribution, you expressed your love and care in this way - selfless help, easing the work of parents. And for sure you do it still, if you can help with something. So - some kind of balance still remained.

Therefore, if an American parent wants to help a child or his family in some acquisitions or give money for a trip, it is normal for him to do it on credit - with the subsequent return of money. This form of material assistance is easily perceived by relatives in America.

And in this case, the mother-in-law, most likely, did it quite sincerely, hoping for your understanding and gratitude. She does not want you to deny yourself pleasure and put off vacation, but she does it as a favor, (realizing that she could not interfere and not give, but let you plan your life and financial expenses yourself).

The receipt, as such, was needed, most likely, precisely to clarify that you all understand the conditions of this lending. That is, for the conclusion of a certain explicit contract within the family, and not so that later, in the event of non-payment, you could be sued on the basis of this receipt.

Situation: Mother-in-law says she is not ready to be a grandmother

“The mother-in-law doesn’t want to look after her grandson and says the offer was insulting. Do American women not have the grandmother gene?

The grandmother's gene, of course, is ... Only, again, it must be borne in mind that the degree of closeness with children and mutual assistance adopted in this family may be very different from our usual pattern. Parents are happy to have grandchildren, but caring for them is a hard day-to-day job that should go to the parents themselves. They themselves so raised their children, hardly anyone helped them much, so they do not consider this something unnatural.

The most "close" options for communicating with grandchildren that I saw are some Sunday lunch (not necessarily every week and, as a rule, in the presence of the grandchildren's parents). Sometimes, somewhere once a month - the grandmother can let the young people spend the evening together - and only if she has already established good contact with her grandchildren, and she realizes that her babysitter will not turn into an 3 nightmare hour, only the mother of the child will go beyond the threshold.

Another gift that the older generation can make to their grandchildren is to take them for a week during the summer holidays or to take them somewhere and provide some leisure that is interesting to the child, etc. But this does not mean that the grandmother is ready to take the child to yourself for the whole summer (as our grandmothers often did) or readily cover you every time you need to study, work or sit with friends in a cafe.

In addition, the local grandmother, most likely, herself still works - and, accordingly, gets tired. And often she is not ready to rush to her grandson after work in order to work with him for a few more hours, then go to bed and go back to work tomorrow.

All this is done by many grandmothers (and even grandfathers) in our culture, but their motive is to be useful, necessary and establish really good relations with a grandson (often even to please him, implicitly making emotional competition with the child’s mother).

There is no motive to “like” or “make an impression” here. For the survival of children, grandmothers do not need to worry. And intimacy and daily communication is not always part of their immediate interests. Their life is still full of all the things that they are not ready to postpone. Often, even the opposite - while they raised their children, they really laid out alone and dreamed of the period when children would fly out of the nest, and you could finally have a life - to build a full-fledged career, to travel, to go somewhere, not adjusting for children's needs and entertainment. And then - the grandchildren. Yes, they love them and are happy to invite you to a holiday, to make good gifts - but not to push your life for this into a distant box.

But on the other hand, you will never be reprimanded for not raising your child so much (not feeding, not dressing and other motives well known to us since childhood). Nobody disputes your maternal authority in the eyes of your child and will not enter into hidden or obvious competition with you. This is the result of those very well-built boundaries of a young family - and respect for them. Yes, you do not run to jump around for help on each whistle, but do not climb into your pots and dusty corners. When you take help from someone, it has its price. And very often it is expressed in the control.

Situation: Mother-in-law does not speak Russian

“My husband brought me to America, he speaks Russian, but his mother and all his relatives do not. How can I communicate and behave at family gatherings if I don’t speak or understand English?”

Depositphotos.com photo

Learning at least a few welcome phrases is always possible. And the rest of the table talk husband will be able to translate. Depositphotos.com photo

Treat others' traditions as respectfully as possible. Learning at least a few welcome phrases is always possible. And the rest of the table talk husband will be able to translate. And, of course, if all those present at the table will see your efforts to take part in the conversation, and not just sit quietly and happily go home, then you will be forgiven for any mistakes and blunders. As the Americans say: "Your English is much better than my Russian."

In short, girls, our task is to adapt to the culture in which we intend to live.

Yes, we all go through the stages of admiration and disappointment, comparison and anger, loneliness and the inability to fully express one’s personality without sufficient knowledge of a foreign language. Each of us has his own cocktail, prepared according to the recipe of our deep-seated values ​​and beliefs. And each of us in “foreign land” appreciates something different, and - mourning his losses is also inevitable ...

And yes, it is during this stressful period of our life that we need support and acceptance more than ever. First of all - from the closest people. Therefore, our expectations for these people may be higher than they are prepared to give us in reality. And then we say that we were “betrayed,” “not accepted,” “did not enter our position,” and so on.

But do they really owe us so much, how are we waiting? ..

It seems to me that if we stop comparing and accept with gratitude what we are ready to give (from a variety of people and situations!), Our adaptation will be faster and calmer. And our family life will be simpler and happier.

See also:

A resident of California called her friend to marry the inscription in the sky

A Jewish bride was fined 15 thousand dollars for refusing to marry

In San Francisco, a woman offered to sublet an apartment in exchange for marriage

 

 

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