How to keep a marriage in immigration - ForumDaily
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How to save a marriage in immigration

Depositphotos.com photo

According to the level of stress, emigration occupies a high point in the stress scale, and not every relationship will withstand it. Depositphotos.com photo

When people decide to emigrate, as a rule, this is a deliberate decision of all family members. Before taking this crucial step, both husband and wife realize that difficulties cannot be avoided. In terms of stress, immigration is high on the stress scale. Not every family boat can survive and not be broken about life and problems associated with the move and adaptation.

The United States ranks 1 in the world among developed countries by the number of divorces per capita. Wherein two-thirds The initiators of divorces here are women.

Men surrender first

Psychologist from California Oksana Kim believes that the problem of families who cannot withstand the difficulties of immigration is a different set of values. “If goals and priorities coincide, then the family has a future. Well, if a husband goes to another country in order to make a career for himself, and a wife only for the sake of a child, then quarrels and misunderstandings are inevitable,” says Oksana Kim. According to her observations, families often break up at the initial stage of preparation for emigration. As a rule, women cannot accept future changes in the family because they do not want to leave the nest they have built. But after moving to a foreign country, it is more difficult for men to adapt. “Women learn the language faster, and, according to the statistics I have seen, they are the first to find their place in the new society. And this, oddly enough, is also a problem,” says the psychologist.

Psychologist Oksana Kim. Photos from the personal archive

Psychologist Oksana Kim. Photos from the personal archive

Before buying tickets from St. Petersburg to New York, Anastasia Ivanova quarreled with her husband for 3 months in a row. Already at the preparatory stage, the woman understood that she and her husband had a different approach to emigration. “I was interested in work, housing, prospects, and he was interested in the weather and prices in stores,” says Anastasia. But despite this, the Ivanovs boarded the plane together. And after 6 months of living in New York, they decided to leave.

Anastasia recalls: “I spent 5 months cleaning offices for cash, preparing meals for elderly people, and even sometimes replacing a nanny for my American neighbors. The hardest thing was that there was no time left for my home at all. After cleaning, cooking and washing, I went to bed at 2 am and woke up at 7 am to run to school. And at that time my husband was lying on the couch and watching English-language films, because this is how he saw adaptation in his new life.”

Anastasia says that her husband began to reproach her that it was she who was to blame for the split in the family, because she had violated the general plan. “He said that we needed to save, but I thought that I just needed to earn more, and again I went and washed the floors, so that after my salary I would be able to go and buy myself lipstick or mascara,” she recalls. “Week after week we grew apart from each other, until one day my partner said that a room had become available in her house. So I had the opportunity to leave my husband.” Anastasia officially divorced her husband 2 years ago, and now she has her third boyfriend during this time. “When I started meeting American men, I realized that I didn’t want to get involved with “ours” anymore. For American men, a dinner prepared by a woman is a feat, but for ours it’s a common thing.”

Next to you is not the one you loved

Psychologist Oksana Kim says that such stories are not uncommon: 30% of families who come here get divorced. It is in emigration that they realize that next to them is not the person they loved and appreciated.

“Partners stop noticing each other’s personality,” notes Oksana Kim. “They perceive it as a set of useful and necessary functions. They are inflating into an incredible scandal something that could have been resolved in a few minutes. In addition, it turns out to be a terrible blow for a man if in his homeland he was a role model and the main breadwinner in the family, but in America his woman suddenly successfully takes on this role. Our man categorically disagrees with this situation. And no matter what anyone says, our mentality plays a key role in the integration process, because this is the first thing that does not coincide with our stereotypes that we worked on in our homeland.”

And my husband suddenly realized that he loves men

Olga L. divorced her husband after 6 years of marriage. The girl says that if such a situation had developed in Ukraine, where she came from, she would not have divorced. Because since childhood, mother taught to endure, help and support her husband in all situations, but here mom was not around, but there were difficulties.

“I came to the USA to study,” says Olga. “I was alone and was looking for a congenial person who would understand me perfectly. This is how Aren seemed to me. He came from Armenia, emigrated a year before me. We immediately became friends, Aren helped me find my first job, after 2 months we started living together, and six months later we got married. It seemed to me that we were perfect for each other."

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Olga quickly decided to marry, and then for a long time had to decide on a divorce. Photos from the personal archive

Problems in family life began, like Anastasia Ivanova from New York, when his wife wanted to have a better job and income, while her husband needed only a sofa and a meeting with friends from life.

Lawyer Sergei Fedorov says that there are a lot of people like Olga. America gives a chance, and one in the family is in a hurry to take advantage of it, but the other does not like it. In addition, in America there is one more nuance that differs from the Motherland. “If we compare the stories of divorces in Ukraine, where I’m from, and here, then in the USA people live more for themselves and, first of all, listen to their feelings, without worrying about what others will say.” Fear of social condemnation, for example, prevented people in Russia and Ukraine from entering into same-sex unions. Here, in American practice, lawyer Fedorov had a case where a family broke up only because the man suddenly realized that he loved men.

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In the practice of lawyer Sergey Fedorov, there were cases when the husband went to another man. Photos from the personal archive

The divorce procedure is a long process. Lawyer Sergei Fedorov explains: “When families come to me, I immediately tell them that the divorce period here will last no less than six months, because the whole procedure goes through the court. I’ve been running one business for six years.”

The easiest thing in divorce in America, according to a lawyer, is to determine the amount that one person must pay to another. And the most difficult is the question of who, when and under what conditions will meet with the child.

State to help

The story of Maria Vinogradova, who came to San Francisco from Russia, is also not unique. The husband was at home the director of a large company, but in America he did not find a job in his specialty and began to drink.

This is a problem for immigrant families: you can’t bring your previous merits with you in your suitcase, your position in society needs to be earned anew, and spouses cannot maintain each other’s authority in the eyes of their own family and children. “It’s this own worthlessness and uselessness that they run away from: some flee with alcohol and drugs, others simply leave the family,” explains psychologist Oksana Kim.

Maria Vinogradova lived with her husband for 12 years, during which time she managed to give birth to three children. “We had a standard family,” says Maria. - Yes, sometimes they fought. But after 2 days they reconciled and lived in love and kindness. I never thought that I would see the other side of him here. Alexander began to raise his hand against me. The first time he pushed me hard, the second time he hit me in the face, and the third time he beat me.”

After that, Maria decided to divorce, but first called on hot line. Her complaint was fixed, suggested where to find help, and Mary and her children simply ran away from their tyrant husband to a shelter for victims of domestic violence. Similar organization they help women not only psychologically survive this process, but also give free legal advice.

Today, Maria remembers that period of life very rarely and now 5 has been living with another man for years. He says that he is not going to marry even after several offers of a hand and heart from him.

The divorce, which lasted 2,5 year, Maria was able to survive, not without the help of the state. There are many programs in America that help single mothers. For example, program child care or social care program for immigrants, in which you can not only get free legal, but also psychological advice.

5 psychologist tips how to keep your family in immigration conditions

  1. Reconsider old relationships and understand whether it is possible to live differently, because it was this person you once chose to create a family, build a house and have a child.
  2. Thinking does not mean leaving the family. Thinking means asking yourself the question of what you want from life, for whom do you live: for your husband or for your children? And most importantly, try to answer the following question: “Where am I myself in my life?” Maybe that's when you'll realize that the problem is not with your husband or wife, but with you. “If you want to change the world, become that change,” Mahatma Gandhi once said.
  3. The words that are heard during a quarrel and showdown may have nothing to do with the true state of affairs. Do not appeal to your partner’s feelings of guilt, avoid insults and accusations. During a quarrel we say: “You. You. You.”, but it’s important to talk about your feelings. If a person sometimes looks for a reason to quarrel, then this happens only because he lacks attention.
  4. During the “immigration” period, try not to see the shortcomings of your spouse. Show mutual respect, support and understanding.
  5. Criticize not a partner, but a situation!

 

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