'Am I clean enough?': How does a person with a fear of germs live during a pandemic

Reporter Bi-bi-si Peter Goffin has been afraid of germs all his life. And this feature of the psyche (it is also described as misophobia) prepared him for the coronavirus pandemic. Like no other, Peter knows how to follow the rules of hygiene and knows how to keep his anxieties in check. He talks about his experience.

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When I sat on the kitchen floor and wiped a bag of cornflakes with a disinfectant, it suddenly dawned on me: I was preparing for an epidemic COVID-19 almost 20 years.

As a teenager, I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). For most of my life I was panicky afraid of germs: I was constantly worried that they could be transmitted, and I thought how to deal with them. But now the whole world must observe the precautions that for me have long become a part of normal life.

At different times in my life, I avoided social contact, washed my hands immediately after touching the surface that others had touched, and sanitized products brought from the store. I have perfected these skills.

Unpleasant questions

In the context of the coronavirus pandemic, I noticed that many of my obsessive disinfection activities have become the norm. But even more I know the constant, never-disappearing anxiety, the reason for which is the understanding that it is impossible to protect oneself from infection.

Thousands, and maybe millions of people, are asked the same questions:

“Did this person come too close to me in the store?”

“Did I wash my hands long enough?”

“Will this soap kill all germs and viruses?”

In the mid-19th century, French doctors who began to study OCD called the disorder la folie du doute - the madness of doubt. This phrase best describes the feelings that overcome me at my worst moments. And many of us are experiencing similar emotions during this pandemic.

It all starts with doubt: “Am I clean enough?”

It would seem that we must be sure of our safety if we keep our distance, wash our hands and follow the rules of quarantine. But in reality, we are haunted by constant uncertainty and doubt that this is not so, and anxiety comes with doubt.

In small doses, these feelings are even useful, they make us stay alert. Anxiety becomes a problem when it gets out of control.

I know very well how the question “Am I clean enough?” turns into “will I ever be able to go back to normal?” and eventually turns into “is it even worth trying to return to her?”

On the subject: To disinfect or not: no known spread of coronavirus across surfaces by WHO

How did it start

When I was growing up (this was in Canada), from a very early age I had difficulty controlling my anxiety and fear—from the age of five or six. When I turned 12, this anxiety developed mainly into concerns about cleanliness and germs. I was especially concerned about everything that had to do with bodily secretions: the droplets of saliva that flew out of the mouth when communicating, the germs that spread if a person did not wash his hands after using the toilet, and all the other bacteria that, in my mind, surrounded me.

In the end, my parents noticed that I avoided touching the door handles and switches and washed my hands until red.

I am fortunate to have such tolerant and caring parents. They always listened with sympathy to me and helped interact with a confused and bureaucratic mental health system. I was sent to a psychologist and prescribed antidepressants, which I still take.

With age, therapy, and indeed my obsessive-compulsive disorder, became for me a part of my usual life. But these features really bothered me when I was a teenager, and at the age of about 20 years.

Returning from classes or lectures at the university, I thought much more about how to wash off all the microbes from myself, and not about studying. Sometimes at night I washed clothes and took a shower a second or even third time, because it seemed to me that I was not clean enough. I kept my distance from many of my friends: partly because I was afraid of their germs, but mostly I was scared that they would learn about my features.

Over the past five years, I've mostly learned to keep my OCD and related anxiety under control. I tirelessly try to understand my fears - and fight them. I try my best to determine which experiences can be useful and which are exaggerated in my mind and only harm. I am very lucky that my loved one is so patient and understanding with me - and appeals to my mind when I need it.

New old problems

According to some reports, many people who were afraid of germs even before the pandemic said that now they have become calmer. Perhaps because now all other people adhere to their point of view, take the same precautions and learn to live with a high level of stress.

To a certain extent this applies to me. But the pandemic created new problems for me, or rather, brought them back to life. All this social advertising only reinforced the belief that germs are easily transmitted from one person to another, even if you just walked along the street. Recommendations on how to wash my hands make me worry even more about how clean they are. And grocery shopping again became a real torture for me.

All this is familiar to me, but I hoped that these habits would forever be in the past.

This is not very economical, but I always preferred to buy products in packages, and not individually, to know for sure that nobody touched them before me. The rest of the food I was pretty relaxed.

But because of the coronavirus, I became as cautious again as I was about 10 years ago when my mental health was especially fragile. Now, when I bring the products from the supermarket, I put them in the same corner of the apartment, where I rarely go. I’m putting my shoes in there if I accidentally stepped on a used patch or chewing gum. I wash my hands thoroughly. Then I shake out everything that is possible from the packaging and put it aside, because I know for sure that these items are clean. After that, I methodically process all other purchases with a disinfectant liquid and fold them the other way. I wash my hands again and put my purchases in a cupboard or in the refrigerator. These are all old habits that I hoped would be a thing of the past.

And I am not the only one who has encountered new or more severe mental health problems.

On the subject: Quarantine exit: how to protect yourself from coronavirus if you return to work

Simple steps

Around the world, emergency psychological services receive far more calls than before the epidemic. In the US, some medical experts warn that the US mental health system may not cope with the growing demand. What can we say about countries where support systems for people with mental disabilities are less developed.

Now, when many countries of the world are increasingly thinking about mitigating quarantine, it’s even more difficult to remain calm and act reasonably, although right now it is very important.

It is not so important when exactly the shops, offices and schools will open again. All fears and anxieties during a pandemic COVID-19will hang over the world for many more months.

Years of therapy and introspection have taught me that anxiety can be controlled. It helps me a lot to calmly and openly talk about my feelings with people whom I trust. And it doesn’t matter if you are a qualified professional or close person.

I took cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), first in Canada as a teenager, and then in Britain as an adult. The basic principle of this therapy is to give the patient the skills to recognize, challenge and replace thoughts or actions that have changed from logical and useful to toxic and harmful.

Of course, it is best to learn the methods of this therapy from a professional psychologist, but there are some elements and techniques that you can try yourself. For example, you can make a list of everything that bothers you and describe in detail why it bothers you and how it makes you feel. You can then look carefully at the list and think about the real reasons why some of these worries and problems may be unfounded, exaggerated - or could be solved.

During quarantine, many are anxious and worried about health, social exclusion, afraid of losing their jobs, or just missing a normal life. If you look at each alarm individually, you will see that some of these problems can be resolved and stress levels reduced. For example, if you are lonely, schedule regular video calls with family and friends. Start planning a vacation or organizing a big party that will take place when the world returns to normal.

Self-isolation ... together

You may be comforted by the words of experts who say that most people who become infected with the coronavirus will recover. Or you will be reassured by scientific evidence that a normal soap or dishwashing detergent is enough to cleanse your skin, and there will be no virus in your clothes after washing.

In the worst days, doubts and anxieties literally destroy my self-esteem. I seem strange and stupid to myself, as if I are the only person on Earth who experiences these feelings. Remember that now we all suffer in one form or another from the consequences COVID-19.

Yes, in order to survive this crisis, we are forced to isolate ourselves. But we do it all together.

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