What should be able to American in 18 years

Once at Stanford the following event occurred. One freshman, who has been living on campus for several days, received an express post from his home. The boxes were unloaded on the sidewalk near the hostel. The young man left them there: they were big and heavy — they could not cope alone, and he did not know how to raise them to his room. Then this student explained to a university employee who, after the call from the student's mother, organized help, he did not know how to ask someone to help with the boxes.

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This is a failure of education. The child does not acquire life skills by magic of the wand with the last stroke of the clock on the eighteenth birthday. Childhood should be a training ground. Parents can help - but not with the fact that they will always be ready to do everything or consult by telephone - but by leaving the road and allowing the child to figure it out on their own.

In 18, a person should be able to ...

Look at two situations that an adult should be able to cope with - this is in itself a life skill: 1) illness outside the home and 2) car breakdown. Are we preparing for them? No, we do not cook.

Susan is an emergency room doctor at a hospital in downtown Washington. Nineteen-year-old students are her “most unpleasant patients.” Susan is a kind and loving woman, the mother of two natural and three adopted children, all under eighteen. So I was a little surprised by her sarcastic tone.

“Students are generally healthy and their parents take care of them at home.” They get into our department with an infection of the upper respiratory tract - you might think this is the end of the world. They are very nervous if you don’t give them an antibiotic and refuse to be hospitalized, and this is just a cold - it’s enough to drink more fluids and lie in bed for a couple of days. ”

Susan tells how students pour tears on the cold linoleum of the intensive care unit and cry on a mobile phone about this great grief — probably friends and relatives. “They don’t know how to fight at all,” she says.

If you have ever planned a trip by car, you know that breakdowns are common. Todd Berger - CEO AAA Mountain West, offices of the American Automobile Association, which covers Alaska, Montana and Wyoming. How strongly drivers from the millennium generation need support is strongly driving him out of himself.

“Children today are completely unprepared,” says Todd. He himself was born in Montana, owns a ranch and raises his own teenagers. When he talks about life skills, which are so lacking for the majority of young people with whom he now communicates at work, both severity and fatigue are felt in tone.

The task of the American Automobile Association - urgent service on the road, and not a full service. They will replace the wheel, recharge the battery, tow you somewhere, but will not engage in a comprehensive solution to problems with the car. Nevertheless, young drivers require exactly full service on the spot.

“They have such a mentality:“ I don’t know anything, quickly fix everything, parents paid for it. ” We also often notice that they do not trust us. A brigade arrived, and they pull out the phone and ask friends to Facebook help with the car. We do not know what to do with them. True, we do not know.

Фото: Depositphotos

Where do life skills come from

I talked to parents all over the country, and many admit that there are problems with skills. They tell amazing stories.

“Children study in the last class and do not know how to ride the subway”;

“If I take my teenager to the city and say“ Find the way home, ”he will be confused”;

“My daughter did not learn to cook, because she had to do homework every night”;

“Most of all, I’m afraid that after a year and a half, my daughter will go to college. I do not know how she will get up in the morning. ” Mom from the last example added that she asked her daughter to make breakfast for herself. When she asked why, the parent replied: "I must know that you can do it."

That's the whole point. We need to know what they can do.

But how to achieve this?

You can not give another person life skills. Everyone must acquire them independently, by their own labor. If we do not prepare the children — and ourselves — for the inevitable moment when they have to take care of themselves, a difficult awakening awaits us all.

Do we want our children - formally adults, but often still children - to enroll in college or to start working, stand at a loss on the sunlit sidewalk, not knowing how to take the package to the room? Is the only way out - to call mom and dad to solve the problem?

What does it mean to be an adult

There are all sorts of legal definitions of “adulthood”: this is the age when a person can start a family without parental consent (in most American states in 16 years), fight and die for their country (18) and drink alcohol (21 year). But what does it mean to think and behave like an adult in terms of development?

For decades, the standard sociological definition fully reflected the social norm: to leave school, leave the parental home, become financially independent, start a family, and have children. In 1960, 77% of women and 65% of men reached all five points in 30 years. In 2000, only half of thirty-year-old women and a third of their male peers met this criterion.

These traditional landmarks are clearly outdated. Marriage has ceased to be a prerequisite for the financial security of women, and children - the inevitable result of sexual life. If you measure "maturity" with milestones to which young people no longer strive, you will not get far. A more modern definition is needed, and it can be found by interviewing the young people themselves.
In 2007, published in Journal of Family Psychology The study asked people between the ages of 18 and 25 years which criteria of adulthood they seem to be the most revealing.

In order of decreasing importance, the following were named:

responsibility for the consequences of their actions;

communication with parents on an equal footing;

financial independence from parents;

formation of values ​​and beliefs, independent of parents and other influences.

Then respondents were asked: "Do you think you are an adult?" Total 16% answered in the affirmative. The parents of the study participants were also asked if their offspring had grown up? Mothers and fathers overwhelmingly agreed with the views of children.
Based on observations of almost 20 by thousands of young people from 18 to 22 in the period of work as a dean, I agree with this data and I think this is a problem.

Фото: Depositphotos

What to learn before entering the university: 8 basic life skills

If we want our children to have a chance to survive in the adult world without a cord in the form of a mobile phone, they will need a set of basic life skills. Based on my own observations at the dean's office, as well as the advice of parents and educators across the country, I will list several practical skills that a child must learn before entering college. Here I will show the “crutches” that currently prevent them from getting up on their own feet.

1. Eighteen years old must be able to talk to strangers.- teachers, deans, consultants, homeowners, salespeople, HR managers, colleagues, bank employees, health workers, bus drivers, car mechanics.

Spike: we demand from children not to talk to strangers, instead of helping to master a more subtle skill - to distinguish a few bad strangers from most good ones. As a result, children do not know how to approach a stranger - politely, making eye contact - to ask for help, prompt, advise. And this would be very useful for them in the big world.

2. Eighteen year old must be able to navigate on campus, in the town where the summer internship takes place, or where he works or studies abroad.

Spike: we carry and accompany children everywhere, even if they can be reached by bus, bicycle or on foot. Because of this, they do not know the road from one place to another, they do not know how to plan a route and cope with traffic chaos, they do not know how to make plans and follow them.

3. Eighteen year old must be able to cope with their tasks, work and deadlines.

Spike: we remind children when to take work and when to take it, and sometimes we help or just do everything for them. Because of this, children do not know how to set priorities, cope with the workload and meet deadlines without regular reminders.

4. Eighteen year old must be able to do housework.

Crutch: we are not very persistently asking to help us around the house, because in childhood painted to the smallest detail, there is not enough time for anything other than school and extracurricular activities. Because of this, children do not know how to manage the household, look after their own needs, respect the needs of others and contribute to the general well-being.

5. An eighteen year old must be able to cope with interpersonal problems.

Spike: We stand up to solve misunderstandings and soothe hurt feelings. Because of this, children do not know how to cope with the situation and resolve conflicts without our intervention.

6. Eighteen year old must be able to cope with the differences in academic and workload in high school, with competition, strict teachers, bosses, and so on.

Spike: in a difficult moment we enter the game - we complete tasks, extend deadlines, talk to people. Because of this, children do not understand that in life, not everything usually goes the way they want, and that even so, everything will be fine.

7. Eighteen year old must be able to earn money and spend it wisely.

Spike: children stopped working. They get money from us for anything they want, and they don’t need anything. They do not form a sense of responsibility for performing tasks at work, they do not have a sense of accountability to their boss, who is not obliged to love them, they do not know the value of things and they do not know how to manage their finances.

8. Eighteen year old must be able to take risks.

Spike: we pave them the way, level the pits and do not let them stumble. Because of this, children do not have an understanding that success comes only to those who try, fail and try again (that is, to persistent), and to those who endure trouble (that is, to persistent), and this skill develops, when you fight bad luck.

Remember: Children must be able to do all this without calling their parents. If they call and ask, they will not have life skills.

From the book “Release them” Julie Litkott-Heims, Publisher: Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2017. The fragment was published in the publication 7ya.

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