What does a woman want? Sex scandals in the United States forced to revise the rules of gender relations

Фото: Depositphotos

In the US, almost daily it becomes known about new accusations against well-known and influential men who sexually harassed women or resorted to other unacceptable behavior.

These personal tragedies also become an occasion in American society - and not only - to talk and reconsider the rules, attitudes and stereotypes that reign in gender relations and go beyond discrimination in the workplace.

It’s impossible to use power to satisfy your own needs, consider another person as a commodity and assert themselves at the expense of humiliating others, most of them, I hope, know. But a certain point in these stories makes many, even the most respectable, worry: “How do I know that she is flirting, not pushes me away?” The men ask, turning over mentally all the sexual contacts they had in life.

And here, I think, certain public attitudes interfere. Men are advised to listen to women not with their mind, but with their hearts, telling about the mystery of women, which an ordinary man cannot easily understand.

The other side of this is a joke about a kind of “feminine logic”, which, of course, is not logic in the normal sense. On the Internet, you can find advice from “relationship experts” who promise to teach guys how to conquer women. Code Layans on the site with the appropriate name girl chase (hunt for girls), explainsthat women need emotions, not logic, and for a fee, he can teach them to decipher the obscure signals of these alien creatures. On Amazon You can fill up with books that also promise to teach men to understand the opposite sex. Here, for example, with the title: "Women's logic: 7 strategies, how to decipher and understand what a woman wants."

On the Internet you can find a lot of memes and jokes on the topic of female logic.

A woman (more in Ukraine) since childhood is implanted with the idea that she should be smarter. As a rule, it is said, without referring to fake credit cards or fraud with securities. Mostly we are talking about the idea that a woman, in order to be heard, must declare her needs not directly, but in some cunning way, and resort to manipulation.

It seems to me that the point here is not romance and not the biological difference in the processing of information by the sexes. The basis of all these attitudes is the belief that a woman is not capable (and if she is capable, she should hide it) to articulate her thoughts clearly, and the man knows better what she really needs. And if he does not know, then other, more experienced men who “know women” will teach him this.

Someone is very comfortable: "It is she who only says that she needs more help with the children and the house, but in fact she wants a new toaster." For others, it creates some kind of haze, through which it is difficult to break through and convey their position.

I met this not only in my personal, but also in my professional life. I had a colleague who did not listen to what you were saying to him, but tried to guess what I mean and for what purpose they say. When problems later arose, he was making excuses: "And I thought you said that, because in reality ..." And at the same time he was proud of his success among women, they say, I know how to handle them. Maybe there are some extraordinary empaths who know better than you what you need, but they did not come across in my life path.

However, I met with cases, as they are called in the United States, menspleins (mansplaining) - from the words of a man (Mon) and explain (Explaining) - that is, when a man explains to you what you really wanted to say or translate for other members of the group your reply from “female” to “universal”.

“Readers of thoughts” and “counselors”: why do their habits interfere with understanding?

In the book “Messages: A Book of Communication Skills” by Matthew Mackay and Martha Davis, such “mind reading” and speculation are described as one of the blocks that interfere with communication. A part of any communication is “active listening” - that is, when a person is listening to understand what his interlocutor is saying, and not just take a pause from his own statements.

“The reader of thoughts,” they write, does not pay attention to what the person is saying, but tries to guess what the interlocutor actually wants to say.

“She only says that she wants to go to the concert, but she is probably tired and wants to relax. She may be offended if I push her to go there, ”they cite an example of an addiction.

Here are a few more blocks that do not give, as Mackay and Davis call it, actively listen:

• Comparison - when a person mentally compares everything that the interlocutor says with his own experience, trying to understand whether he / she is smarter, stronger or more suffering.
• A rehearsal of a mentally personal response and an argument that can be opposed to him by the interlocutor.
• An analysis of the words in terms of which category this person can be placed in.
• Nonsense - when attention is concentrated not in the words of the interlocutor, but flies away to some of their own worlds.
• Filters - when a person listens only in order to catch a key message, for example, to assess the emotional state of the interlocutor. If everything is fine, then you can think about your own.
• Mental formation of the council, and from the first words of the interlocutor.
• Identification - when a person is in what the interlocutor says, immediately begins to look for such cases in his own past.

All these are bad habits that are hard to get rid of. I myself struggle with three of them. But this advice to “listen to the heart” is, in fact, advice to use one of the blocks that makes it difficult to understand the other person. Isn't it easier to listen to what they say to you and say what you mean?

Фото: Depositphotos

I think that it’s not necessary to prove that women can formulate their thoughts and use logic as well as men. Among journalists, lawyers, scientists, teachers - representatives of professions, where you need to be able to do it very well, there are quite a few representatives of the “fair sex”. In the comments on social networks, I do not see any correlation between gender and the ability to understand the text and express my own opinion in detail.

All this talk about mystery, the obscure nature of women and the “female logic”, I believe, is largely a way of ignoring women and their needs.

What does it mean when a woman nods her head?

Of course, there are features in communication between women and men, but they are neither radical nor secret - they are well described in the literature on business communication and management. Arnold Sanov, communication expert, Article on LinkedIn counted 21 such a feature.

According to his observations, men communicate in order to maintain status and independence, and women - to establish close relationships. Women are more likely to directly ask for help, but they are less proud of their achievements. When a woman nods her head, she makes it clear that she hears the interlocutor, and the man - that agrees. Listening about the problems of the other, the woman will first offer sympathy, and the man will offer advice. Men express opinions that they have already thought out. Women more often argue out loud. Men more often interrupt and express sarcasm. When reporting an unpleasant backlash, women are more likely than men to "sweeten the pill."

Undoubtedly, there is a place for mystery, romance, hints, flirting and, if someone likes it, riddles and riddles. But the skills of successful communication are useful to everyone both in personal and professional life.

And, returning to our “romeo”, men who know how to listen will not have a problem distinguishing flirtation from a sincere request to unhook. It is obvious.

And what a woman wants is not so difficult to know. One has only to ask and receive an answer through an active listening method. And the last - “no” still means “no.”

The original column is published on the website. Ukrainian Service “Voices America. "

Text translation prepared editionNew time".

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