The battle of the sexes in American style: what is the difference between the relationship between a man and a woman in the USA and in post-Soviet countries

Many immigrants from the post-Soviet space, starting relationships in America, by inertia act in the same way as they are used to in their homeland. This can often lead in a new country not only to love disappointments, but also to problems with the law. We list only the most striking differences between the American culture of close relationships and what we are used to.

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1. Culture of consent

In psychology, it is customary to distinguish two types of building close relationships: conditionally, the “culture of consent” and the “culture of violence”. Of course, violence in its purest form is also condemned in the post-Soviet space. However, for many it turns out to be a surprise that things that are completely innocent from their point of view in America can be regarded at best as a violation of personal boundaries, and at worst as direct harassment.

In the consent culture prevailing in the United States, it is customary to ask permission at every moment of rapprochement, and take the next step only after you have seen the partner’s active consent to it. For example, if you liked a girl, and you complimented her, and in response she did not show much desire to communicate with you, you can no longer impose your company on her, let alone ask for her phone number.

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In the patriarchal culture familiar to us, on the contrary, it is believed that a man, caring for a woman, must be persistent and overcome her initial indifference. For a woman, in this case, passivity is considered ideal behavior, and the main romance of the relationship lies in the fact that a man must seek his beloved and win her.

The thin line between courtship and obsession, and even more so persecution and violence in post-Soviet culture, is usually determined by the degree of rigidity of a woman's refusal to an unlucky suitor. At the same time, men from the post-Soviet culture usually prefer to interpret the mild and hesitant refusal as coquetry and hidden consent, which serves as an excellent excuse for rapists.

In American culture, the usual formula: "I thought she agreed" does not work not only at the stage of intimate relationships, but even at the moment of acquaintance. On the one hand, this perfectly protects the object of courtship from overly annoying admirers, but on the other hand, it reduces the very romance, play and uncertainty that Russian women are used to. The culture of consent implies not only the restraint of men, but also the greater responsibility of the girl. If a woman does have a close relationship in America, she is unlikely to be able to refer to the fact that "she herself did not notice how it happened."

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In some cases, the excessive activity of a man, even dictated by the purest considerations, in the United States can lead to serious trouble. A striking example here is the story of Yakov Kalyuta, an immigrant from Ukraine, who decided to be considerate and offered his help to the girls sitting at the next table, who, according to him, had something fallen on the floor. As a result, the girls suspected an attempt at harassment in his gesture and contacted the police. As it turned out, the applicants were minors and decided that the immigrant's ultimate goal would be to attempt to rape them. For Yakov, this entailed an arrest and a series of unpleasant trials.

However, the undoubted advantage of such a culture is the habit of treating a woman "on an equal footing", especially in business relations. It is not customary to make obscene remarks and even unwanted compliments to employees, not to mention flirting or direct harassment. It is generally unacceptable to perceive a colleague from a sexual point of view. However, this feature also has its downside.

2. Nothing personal, just business

The main disadvantage of an equal and partner attitude towards a woman, in the eyes of immigrants from the post-Soviet space, is the lack of indulgence towards the “beautiful sex”. It's not only about paying for dinner at a cafe or holding a door, but also about much more serious things, for example, competition in business. If women can have some preferences when hiring in a large company in liberal states, then in a clash with a competing company, the battle will have to be fought on an equal footing. In American business culture, men do not give women any favors, and can be quite harsh even with those they like.

The film “You have a letter” is very indicative in this vein, according to the plot of which the main character realizes that his pen pal is his main competitor.

Formally, the film ends with a "happy ending", and yesterday's irreconcilable enemies become happy lovers. However, the realization that he has been corresponding for a long time and almost already loves a rival girl did not prevent the main character from ruining her and destroying her life's work. Love and sympathy for the heroine not only did not push the successful entrepreneur to abandon part of his plans, but did not even inspire a compromise option that could take into account the interests of both. And this film is a vivid indicator of how with the formula "nothing personal - just
business ”even mutual love could not cope.

3. Women's emancipation

However, there is another side of the coin. If in the post-Soviet culture it is considered normal that a woman should sacrifice her career for the sake of a man, then in the USA such cases are rather rare, at least they are not meant “by default”.

In American films, there is often a plot when a girl goes to study or work on the other side of the world, and her young man treats this with understanding.

Moreover, if in the culture we are used to such relationships almost always end in a break, then in the American “love at a distance” is quite acceptable if the interests of a career so require.

It is considered completely normal for a woman in America to open separate bank accounts from her husband, choose investment opportunities herself, demand a marriage contract and do other things that are usually perceived negatively in post-Soviet culture. At the same time, such actions in the United States do not at all mean a mandatory divorce.

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By the way, such independence of women arose relatively recently in the United States. Interestingly, Russia introduced universal suffrage for women earlier than the United States. True, the advance was only three years: in Russia, the corresponding law was adopted in the spring of 1917, while in the United States, the 19th amendment to the Constitution, which gave American women the right to participate in regional and national elections, was finally ratified only on August 18, 1920, and the movement to abolish women's suffrage
lasted until the 1970s.

As old-timers say, a “decent” way of spending leisure time, a successful marriage, and a high level of prosperity of a spouse mattered 30 years ago. Moreover, these issues were discussed not in the small towns of the American "outback", but in ordinary teams of IT companies in the state of California, known today for its progressiveness. In San Francisco, by the way, a small living monument of that era has been preserved - a women's club in the city center, designed in the old style. On certain days, you can still come dressed in the fashion of the 50s or 60s, show off your elegance, enjoy refined conversation and play bridge.

Another "monument" of the patriarchal era is the layout of old residential buildings, in which, unlike modern American apartments, there is a kitchen in the usual sense of the word. At the same time, the house is designed in such a way that the kitchen is completely soundproofed from the rest of the premises. It was believed that men should not be distracted by the "empty conversations" that women have in the kitchen, and women should not listen to serious men's conversations.

Many mothers, and even more so grandmothers of today's successful American women, preferred to be housewives, and some professions were not available to them for a very long time. For example, girls could become FBI agents only since 1972. A year later, the famous “battle of the sexes” took place - a tennis match between veteran tennis player Bobby Riggs and one of the leading professional tennis players of this period, Billie Jean King, which, in fact, became a duel for equal prizes for women and men in this sport. In 2017, a film was even made about this match.

In a word, it is always very difficult to find a middle ground between equality and protection of women. But of one thing, the representatives of the “fair sex” who immigrated to the United States can be sure: here they will be treated with respect and taken seriously. However, they will have much less opportunities to refer to “female weakness” than in their homeland.

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