American mentality: friendship, guests and sympathy

Фото: Depositphotos

The idea for the article was thrown to us by our reader, for which she thanks a lot. I, in fact, would never have thought about these moments of the distinction of the American mentality from the Slavic one. I have already forgotten that even in such trifles people in the United States think in a completely different way than our people from Russia, Ukraine, Belarus.

As the girl wrote to me, according to her friend, the Americans have very big differences from our Slavic culture, especially in regard to the reception of guests, friendship, sympathy and support. That in America, communication between people is very superficial (it’s rather a matter of friendship with the Americans), they don’t feed at all (this note cheered me up, but it’s not unreasonable), no one can console, they say only “Oh, I really Sorry that you are sick / out of work "and run about their business.

Let us in order about each of these points. More precisely, I will just write my opinion and thoughts that I have, based on my life observations, and you decide there whether it is or not.

American friendship

Americans' communication is indeed superficial, if it concerns acquaintances or friends. Here everyone usually communicates on different, but at the same time, completely impersonal topics. Travel, events, shopping and all that stuff seems interesting, but says little about a person. An American was recently on vacation, went to a good restaurant, which he also recommends to you, and bought himself a new TV, which he was very happy about. It seems like there is a lot of news, and you can understand what the interlocutor likes, but at the same time, what he is like and how he lives - no. Therefore, in America you are unlikely to get something as heartfelt as they like here (including a story about all your problems in life).

For this reason, because of such a different type of friendship, many Russian immigrants here find it very difficult to find friends among Americans, sometimes even throughout their lives in the States (although much depends on adaptation in the country and acceptance of its culture, and in many of our compatriots, especially those who left during the USSR, with this big problems).

Because they are looking for an avid friend, about whom they will know everything and who will know everything about them. But to find such a person in the face of an American is unlikely, because an American does not want everyone to know about him, as well as know too much about others. For this, the American has a family! And here it is worth clarifying that close relatives in the American concept are not all aunts and uncles up to the fifth knee, but parents / children or spouse. Even grandparents are already on the next related step.

So to the friendship, I think, it is necessary to ascribe to the family.

Americans, for the most part, all hold on to their family and appreciate it very much. It is not customary to live here with parents for a long time, but their Americans are considered to be close people, including some kind of soul mate.

Same with the wife or husband. Although, of course, there are exceptions everywhere, and I speak generally.

And despite the fact that the Americans are very companionable (“Did you go to the concert? - Let's go!”), You will hardly have any close friendship with them. Actually, for this reason, almost all Russian people are still friends with Russians (here I am talking about countries such as Russia, Ukraine, Belarus, Armenia, Georgia and all those nationalities that the Russian language unites).

On the other hand, it is worth saying that the American version of friendship is also quite good. Because there is a concept of personal life in it, that our Russian people do not always understand.

An American will not try to calculate how much money you have, will not interfere in your relationship with your significant other, will never give you unnecessary advice (and again, we all really like to do this). Not to mention tactless questions - when will you get married, give birth, and the like.

That is, in such a relationship there is a clear distinction between “we are having fun together” and “this is not my / your business”. You can spend the whole evening together, chat about a bunch of different things, discuss a lot of news, but you are unlikely to know anything extra about each other if your relationship has not reached the desired standard of open friends. The best friends and relatives, of course, will be told about personal and misfortunes. We are all people, and everyone wants to speak out about the sore. But in this case, not to anyone.

Depositphotos.com photo

Therefore, the option to find a friend who can tell everything, also does not disappear. Simply, it will already be a true friend, and I think this concept does not depend on mentality and culture. And in this case, by the way, if you will be trusted by an American, then this is indeed your man. Friend. Since you have gone through all the stages of communication, to reach frank conversations. Agree, so maybe it is more correct.

Better than meeting a friend, writing him as a friend and drawing him into your life, although maybe he doesn’t want it at all, and he doesn’t like you at all.

Sometimes it happens that some person with whom you just, for example, go to the 2 gym once a week, begins to complain to you every time that his wife left him, a terrible mother-in-law, a son - a bad man, and at work a reduction . And you, it seems, do not want to know all this, but you have to listen out of politeness.

Agree, we have such cases frequent. And is this friendship? It would be better to chat about something detached and simple, but everyone will remain in a good mood and without a head crammed with other people's problems.

In general, the conclusion is that Americans are very friendly people, they easily invite everyone to visit or invite them somewhere for a walk. If they treated you superficially, then they obviously wouldn’t invite you anywhere (if they don’t invite you at all, then here you should think about yourself, and not about the Americans). It’s just that their concept of friendship is fundamentally different from ours. It's not bad, it's not limited, it's just different.

American sympathy and support

Here let’s add a point of sympathy and support. Again, let's start with the fact that it is simply not necessary to sympathize and support someone here, because nobody complains to you. In America, the question "How are you?" Except for "Good" do not answer anything else. And more often they even perceive it as part of a greeting, that is, you can not even answer “How are you?” At all, the answer is clear to everyone. Bad here can not be. Although if you suddenly say that everything is awful for you, then of course, they will ask what is the matter. Out of courtesy.

But here again it is not so accepted, although sympathize, of course, sympathize.

It usually sounds like “Oh, I'm sorry,” or may say something like “Everything will be fine.” Like ours, to listen to the long tirade "how bad everything is, how bad everything is," and then they will not be long to comfort, wipe away tears or pour vodka into a glass.

And again, this does not mean that people here are so bad, and all that is sad is alien to them. Sympathize and say words of farewell, they can you and with all my heart, as often happens. It's not dry, it's just brief. Because everyone always has their own problems, someone has more of them, someone has less, but here it’s just not customary to pour them on others. Again, this all remains within the family and close friends.

Depositphotos.com photo

But there is a downside. Americans are very sympathetic. You are lost, you look confused, you are upset - you will most likely be approached by a random passerby - by yourself! - and ask what happened to you, if you need help, you do not know the way? Many will be ready to listen to you and give you a helping hand. To lead, show the road, something to help. In this regard, people in the United States are truly wonderful.

American guests

First of all, it’s worth starting with the fact that in our Slavic countries it’s simply since ancient times that guests should be greeted with a fancy, with a huge table full of dishes, to take care of the guests and entertain them until the guests leave. In America, this tradition simply does not exist. Again, this is not bad, it’s just that our cultures are completely different, here it’s worth adding the difference in the age of these countries. In general, the United States is a very young country, so they have very little popular folk traditions, unlike our Russia.

Secondly, here guests are treated much easier. Therefore, they can not feed. I can also assume that we, among the Slavs, have “Feast for the whole world” and “Guests, dear ones!” Has gone since the times when setting the big table was considered proof of the wealth of the hosts. This is another trick of our mentality to "expensive, rich." Americans simply do not have this. Again in a global sense.

Usually in the US there are several options for feeding guests.

Depositphotos.com photo

The most popular is barbecue. In other words, kebabs. They fry a lot of different meats, and it comes with salads, side dishes, and appetizers. Everyone chooses their own tasty morsels and puts food on their own plates. In general, everything is the same as with us. Drinks include beer and soft drinks (usually soda, soda, and something like that, bought in a whole package, and of course, cold or with ice). Here, in terms of “sitting”, there will most likely be a table; after all, eating meat while standing is not always easy, especially if it’s a family bbq or with older people, or at least the table is not such that everyone sits down at once, but just to have a place to put a plate or a drink, free your hands. In the youth version, everyone can just hang out - stand and chew.

Another option is the semblance of a buffet.

If friends and neighbors just come to the owners, they can cook different dishes, arrange them on the table, add drinks (including wine), and you take a plate (usually they are disposable, especially if there are a lot of people) and take care of yourself.

The owners will rest in the same way, no one will put pies and oliveshechku. Tea is not supposed to be here either (in general, in fact, it is not in America, tea is often drunk with ice, as a soft drink). In terms of sitting down, people often stand, this is generally a classic of American parties, people just walk around the room, come to different companies, communicate with each other. If the party is in the house, someone is standing, someone can sit on the sofa. In general - complete freedom of movement. In a more official or cultural version, a buffet table is made (ie snacks that are easy to take and eat).

If this is a holiday where many people gather (for example, more than 20 people), then they usually order catering. This is some kind of restaurant or even a specialized catering service that arranges the same buffet or buffet in your home or garden. But everything is already beautiful and professional. You also feed yourself. In a more pompous version, there may be waiters, deliver snacks and drinks, there is also a guest bartender. Most often, people also stand and communicate, but they can set up tables with chairs separately, they are usually ordered by the same catering service. But behind them, according to my observations, they sit just to eat, or the tables are occupied by older people who have a hard time standing around and the children are spinning around.

And the last option is just a get-together or a youth party. You definitely shouldn’t expect good food from this. There will be just drinks and, at most, some small snacks “to go with beer.”

Although no, the last option is when you are all gathered and went either to the bar or to the restaurant. It's easier nowhere, because everyone orders and eats what he wants himself.

But if you expect the right feast, where a beautiful tablecloth, dishes and a lot of delicious dishes, then in America this also happens. Of course, for important festive events or, for example, for a wedding.

In the latter version, you can expect a whole gala dinner, although it also depends on the wedding, but you have seen beautiful options in many romantic comedies and melodramas. And of course, a large and tasty table is a must-have item for Christmas and Thanksgiving. That's where Americans cook a big turkey, dress up, decorate a house. True, this holiday is purely family (and you are unlikely to go there unless you are a future part of the family).

And, by the way, the difference is the opposite. Going to the American guests, do not forget to bring a bottle of wine or a pack of beer (this is almost a must-have cultural attribute, even if it’s a simple gathering with friends). Of course, if you do not bring anything, it does not mean that you are a greedy and terrible person, no one will pay attention to it, but such an act is like some kind of courtesy, that you were invited to your house, and you are not empty-handed. . And what is most interesting, in America, many bring their ready-made dishes to visit. Homemade cake right in the form or beans with bacon. Anything that turns out well cooked and is available. Let's just say it's like an extra treat to the master's table. Of course, if this is again a meeting with friends, relatives, neighbors. That is an informal party. At the noble buffet to carry their beans is not necessary.

And by the way, sometimes they even make up an exemplary list of who can bring to the table, we did this on English courses: from whom fruit, from whom cake, from whom drinks - so that everything was in moderation, because we, in fact, had a whole classroom

These are my thoughts. And this is another proof that we, residents of different countries, it seems everything seems to be, even the simple campaign of friends to visit, and at the same time cultures sometimes differ radically.

Stacy Kireev, author Blog и Instagram about life in America.

See also:

30 reasons for the surprise of the immigrant

Why, after two years in New York, I am NOT returning to Kiev

How I handled depression in immigration

Why 20-year-olds choose small cities for life

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